22 April 2017

Review: Most Haunted Series 5 (or 19) Episode 3 (The Slaughterhouse) - REALLY to air Friday 28th April, 10pm

♪♫♬ I poke my fingers into my eyes, I poke my fingers into my eyes ♪♫♬

Yes its that time once again for my world exclusive, "Banned by UKTV" review of Most Haunted. After the trouble I caused with my review of Episode 2, whereby I single handedly ruined Most Haunted for UKTV, got threatened, warned, and BANNED, I am back once again.

Before I start I have been asked to point out the following.

OFCOM in a decision of 5th December 2005 stated that of Most Haunted was “for entertainment purposes only”.

In plain English this means the show is faked. It is a spoof, it is not presented as real, and should not be accepted as real. If you believe the show is real, you are what is known in the business as a "mark". Someone who is being conned.
Think of someone who watches Pro Wrestling and thinks that Roman Reigns is really hurting John Cena.

Ok onto the episode in question.

Spunky, spunky, gooey Blurb
"Ghostly goings-on with Yvette Fielding. The team get more than they bargained for when they pay a visit to the Liverpool's oldest pub, The Slaughterhouse."

So Watson and his gang are off to Liverpool this episode and they have found a pub, a haunted pub no less. Guessing the pub needs a boost in numbers, so have called on the Most Haunted team to come give them some much needed publicity.

The past few weeks I have been watching Ghost Adventures, and had really got used to their slick high budget approach, I had forgotten how cheap Most Haunted looked. Also quick question, do you know of a single pub in England that does NOT claim to be haunted?

Yvette tells us that there was a young child that was crushed by a barrel in the pub, she then follows that up by saying there is no historical proof of it, but that the spirit of a child has been seen and heard. Hmmm. Me thinks that the owner of the pub made that up. (Admin Note: No child is mentioned in the rest of the episode)

This is Michael Devers, the completely honest and genuine manager of the pub. And yes he does not blink once in the entire monologue he gives. I think he looks haunted, that or he has had way too much caffeine.

Guilty Glen is back with Yvette doing his best to act skeptical, even though we all know he is on the gig. He also has his best new sports casual jacket on.

I am guessing that Antix Productions blew their advertising budget on Episode 2, so I doubt we will see any stories in the Tabloids moving forward.
You did realise that Antix paid the Taloids to get reported on right?

This pub looks quite decent to be fair, they have a comedy club in the cellar too.

Yvette is looking quite busty this evening. Oh no, I just had feelings. Downstairs feelings! Damn, whats going on. This is not right. I wonder if I am possessed?
Just goes to show she can scrub up quite well when she makes the effort.

Yvette and Guilty Glen are now going up some stairs, and all I can think is "Where the hell is Watson?" Please don't tell me they fired him after just two episodes. I know Yvette likes to fire anyone that is more popular than her, (Mel Crump, Jason Karl, Richard Felix, Phil Whyman etc) but I thought Watson would at least make the full season. Fingers crossed his pops up later and shows his usual high levels of indifference.

Guilty Glen making the face we all make when someone is blathering on none stop, and you really don't care, and you are just imagining what you going to have for dinner later on.

Yvette now says one of the dumbest things she has ever said.
She states.
"Whenever we ask the spirits if they can hear us they always tap for yes"

Glen looks at her with a face of complete bemusement.
You just know he is getting sick of it all now, and was desperate to say
"Well they wouldn't tap for no would they you complete and utter ignoramus who is looking quite busty tonight"

Right Stuart is in the shitter, the ladies is out of order, and all three of them are bursting. Yvette is touching cloth, Glen has got diarrhea, and Karl, well Karl just needs to knock a quick one out as it helps him concentrate, and he left his blart sock at home. Yvette is communicating with the "bog ghost".

They cant wait any longer, so open the toilet door and go in, Stuart is mid drop, and they all just stand about and look at him. Poor guy.

The next part I never thought I would ever see on TV, Yvette helps to wipe Stuart's arse, which is perfectly fine for her to do for her cousin, he hasn't learned how yet, but after she does it, she smells her fingers (see image above). The look on Guilty Glens face says it all.

They leave Stuart in the toilet, quickly do their business, and they go back by the toilet entrance. Yvette is convinced she is hearing taps through the floor. Most likely it was Stuart banging his foot as he tried to squeeze one out.

This has now been going on for a solid 5 minutes. They have this wonderful pub to investigate, and they are stood outside a toilet. I am not even joking here.
Yvette has now written some letters on a piece of paper, and has asked the bog ghost to spell out his name by tapping, and the number of taps corresponds with the letter on the paper. The bog ghost is "Albert Williams" and he worked there in 1913, and he looked after the horses. He died aged 52 after he was pushed on the stairs by the toilet. Yep he is giving all of this information from tapping. And this has now gone on for 10 minutes, and it looks like it was edited down too.

Glen asks if there is any way to research this info as he would be impressed if it matched up.

This pops up on screen. I also did my own research and did NOT find anyone of the name Albert Williams who died at The Slaughterhouse. And neither did Most Haunted. All they found was someone who lived in Liverpool with that name UNCONNECTED to the pub, who died at that time. I had a look at all deaths that are recorded from 1913, and I was unable to find anyone with the name Albert Williams who died that year in Liverpool aged 52 or any age for that matter.

At least when Derek Acorah was faking this stuff he did a bit of research first to get it right!

The Slaughterhouse Pub will be so happy seeing this episode that the MH crew spent 10 minutes outside of a toilet. That will bring the tourists in.

Half way through the episode, they put the green filters on, and start the proper investigations. Still no sign of Watson, definitely looking like he has been fired. And no sign of Stuart who must still be on the toilet.

Karl and someone else is investigating the comedy club in the basement, they hear some noises, but not much else.

Yvette and Money Bags Fred are in the room where the comedians get ready. They hear a tap, not much else.

Back with Karl and the cameraman, and a roll of tape is thrown over the head of the cameraman and into view, blatantly thrown by Karl. No need to examine anything here. Karl physically throws a roll of gaffer tape over the head of the cameraman into view and it lands in front of them. Pathetic, however many times you show the replay.

Yvette still looking busty asks the ghosties to make a noise with their voice, as opposed to their bottom I guess?

Fred has decided to start speaking in what I can only assume is Latin, he then repeats in English, "In the name of the Father, the Son and the Holy Spirit come forward and meet us", what if the ghostie is Atheist? or a Jew? Slightly offensive there Fred. Always be respectful of people's religions or lack of, for you never know.

Karl is still fannying about in the comedy club, nothing much is happening.

Fred goes to the basement on his own.
Yvette and everyone else decide to go back to the toilets to try and speak to Albert again! No joke, the big beautiful pub to investigate, and they head back to the toilets.

The manager must be well pissed off.

God this episode is boring. No Watson to entertain us. After last weeks big effort for ratings, I can imagine a LOT of new viewers will be well pissed off watching this.

It will be interesting to see the ratings when they are available. I imagine Episode 1 will start off ok, Episode 2 will get a big bump cause of all the paid advertisement, Episode 3 might end up with a big drop off.

Yvette asks Albert the bog ghost to pull her hair!

Now we know what Yvette likes in the bedroom with Karl.

While walking down the stairs Yvette hears a noise, Karl who is by her runs down and they find a knife. No one else is about, only Yvette and Karl. A cynic might suggest that as walking down the toilets, Karl just dropped a knife over the side while no one was looking.

So an item is thrown and Karl is the main suspect.

Yes even Cilla isn't impressed.

Not only is Watson not in this episode, but neither is Stuart as far as I can tell, I was only joking earlier when I said he was stuck in the toilet, now I am thinking he really was.

Anyway a real investigator would have stopped everyone, made sure no one touched the knife, dusted for finger prints, then eliminated every member of the crew.

Instead Karl quickly picks it up, and then takes it back to the kitchen and puts it back in the exact original place it was. How did he know which knife it was and where it came from? In a pub that I assume does food, there would be a LOT of knives in the kitchen area, yet he knew where the knife was from exactly, and where to return it to. No investigation, no questioning, no examining of CCTV or any camera footage, just picks it up and takes it back to the kitchen.

Everyone talks about the "incident", and Karl does his best acting to try and declare how impossible the whole incident was.

Yvette asks the ghost if he threw the knife, the ghost remains silent, even the ghost doesn't want to be blamed for this pile of crap.

Ok let me just explain something, all TV shows have a health and safety officer, at no point in the making of Most Haunted has anyone ever been in any real danger from anything they have done. If someone got hurt by a flying knife, we are talking multi million pound lawsuits. It would literally mean the end of Antix Productions, they would be made bankrupt instantly, no more Most Haunted. UKTV would be liable too. Basically put there is no way that anyone other than the main Producer of the show (that being Karl) would have thrown the knife, and when he did, he did it in a safe environment knowing no one would be hurt.

There is 0% chance that any ghost threw the knife. Absolutely ZERO chance. Again just consider lawsuits and legal issues, if for one minute you think anything on this show is real. Remember what OFCOM have stated. The show is for Entertainment Purposes Only. It is a spoof, a written and directed show. It is NOT a real investigation into the paranormal.

Karl then decides to throw the knife himself as part of a reconstruction, to prove that the sound made was completely different to the time the ghostie threw it.

Karl admits that he asked the ghosts to throw a knife, and Yvette seems genuinely quite annoyed with him. And although she carefully words things to stay in character, I do wonder if she was genuinely pissed off that he had thrown a knife as part of a stunt. She calls him and Glen stupid.

Note, this is Karl's face as he is told off by Yvette.
Now does that look like the face of someone who just witnessed a real paranormal event of a knife being thrown by a spirit? Seriously, if you believed that a ghost had really thrown a knife, had the ability to throw a deadly weapon, would that be the face you made? As if you were a naughty child getting told off by your mother?

This is the idiocy of the show captured in one photo, and whats more the idiots who watch this show and think it is real will lap this whole thing up.

The show is basically ending on Yvette telling off Karl and Glen for being stupid, no joke, just swearing at them and telling them off for being dumb. She is not angry at the ghost who threw it, no she is angry at Karl and Glen.

Truly terrible episode, it should be renamed "An investigation into the toilets in The Slaughterhouse Pub"

No Watson, No Stuart. 2 really blatant stunts of gaffer tape and a knife being thrown by Karl.

1/10 - Worst episode in years.

Please leave your comments below.
Tweet me on @JonDonnis and send your abuse to @TheBadPsych
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And whatever you do, don't let yourself get banned by UKTV, it is not smart and it is not funny.

By Jon Donnis

The Truth Behind Most Haunted Series 19 Episode 2.

Boy did my episode 2 review cause me some trouble. If you have been following my Ghost Adventures reviews you will have seen me allude to issues with UKTV, the owners of REALLY who air Most Haunted in the UK. Let me fill you in so you all know what is what.

Basically I had access to raw episodes of Most Haunted long before they are aired, in the TV business we have something called an "Embargo", this means that journalists such as myself get access to something, but in big red writing it will say something like "The following is under embargo until 12:00pm 31st March". This means that no one should publish anything until after that time. Usually this will be a movie trailer, poster, clips from a TV show or film. Often this is due to certain outlets being given the exclusive rights to show the media first.

Now throughout the history of Most Haunted I have exposed and "spoiled" Most Haunted for well over a decade. I have never had a single problem with any TV station airing it. You see the likes of Sky are smart enough to realise that any publicity even if negative will help their TV shows, and if the TV show is relatively small they need every viewer they can get, so they can sell advertisement space.

Now Most Haunted is on REALLY a small cable channel owned by the UKTV network. And for the past few seasons I have spoiled, and exposed the show, and in turn given them thousands of viewers. But suddenly after I published my article on episode 2 I found myself cut out, I get a rather rude email from someone at UKTV going mental because I exposed the show, broke embargo, and published screengrabs. Now I thought this was strange since I did the same for episode 1 of the new series and no one said a word. It took nearly a month for me to realise why.

In the past few days just before episode 2 aired on TV, you may have noticed that every tabloid newspaper in the UK reported on the full apparition caught on film on Most Haunted. Yvette Fielding went on a full media blitz, begging every radio show to have her on. Newspapers reported "Experts are baffled at the footage".

Whats this got to do with me I hear you say? Well, the problem is, this was their big moment of the season. They spent a lot of money PAYING all of these newspapers and media outlets to run the story, to show photos, videos of this ghost, and good old me had already run it all and exposed it as faked.

Now in media you have things called Sponsored Posts, there are PR companies that are paid to "seed" videos, to make them viral, the truth is they are paid a budget, and they ship these stories around media outlets and pay them to promote a video, a story, a photo etc. Sometimes a flat amount is paid, sometimes it is a pay per view situation. Regardless of that, the reason all these tabloids suddenly gave Most Haunted all this attention was because they were paid to do so. It wasn't them reporting on a story, it was them printing a story they were given. Big difference. And guess what I spoiled it, and UKTV were/are furious with me! And I am now banned by them!

As for the ghost footage itself, I stated a month ago it was Glen. I stand by that for a couple of reasons, one is I was told it was Glen by someone who works for Antix Productions, and secondly from watching the unedited raw footage that I had access too, it was pretty clear it was him.

Now some people have suggested it was "Peppers Ghost" an old magic trick illusion, (it wasn't), and my good friend Rob has suggested it was a video overlay effect, check out his site at Skeptics Boot to read his explanation. He could be right? Who knows. The one thing for absolute certain though is that it is not a ghost. And if you want to know my 100% proof for that, well just take a look at this screen grab that airs before each episode of Most Haunted. For those of you not bright enough to understand what this means, it means the show is a Spoof. As Ofcom themselves have stated the show is for entertainment ONLY, and should not be taken seriously! Not my words, the words of the people in charge of TV broadcasts.

Anyway with all that said, I will continue doing what I do best, I will keep reporting on Most Haunted, because people enjoy my reviews. 

And I will do my review of episode 3 later today so keep checking back for that.

That is all for now

By Jon Donnis 
"As banned by UKTV"
"As banned by BBC"

17 April 2017

Review: Ghost Adventures - Season 14, Episode 4 April 15, 2017 (Double Eagle Restaurant)

Before I start if you have not watched this episode yet you can do so at this link on Amazon

So here I am once again with my Ghost Adventures review, and the best thing about these reviews is that I am not getting threatening emails from UKTV about them. Like seriously do UKTV even understand how the TV business works! For those wondering I will publish my episode 3 review of Most Haunted after episode 2 airs. Also as predicted the new Bulldog on Most Haunted has instantly become the most popular character on the show, he even has his own excellent Twitter Account that you all really should go follow. He is a very clever dog. Shame he will be put down at the end of the series, or be "accidentally" run over by Karl when he is reversing his 4x4 out of the drive one day.

Anyway onto Bilbo Baggins and his crew of half wits, or Ghost Adventures as you might know it as. 

Spunky Blurb
"Zak and the crew travel to New Mexico to investigate the Double Eagle Restaurant and the Dona Ana County Courthouse; both buildings have been plagued by death, leading to poltergeist activity that torments investigators."

4 Episodes in and I am starting to see a trend, all these places are also tourist attractions, what an unlikely coincidence dont you think.

Episode starts and I am instantly reminded of Zak and his lack of reading ability. Why cant they find a professional voice over artist to read the narration, instead of forcing Zak to do it. He sounds like a robot, a constipated, intellectually inferior robot.

So the crew are in New Mexico, for those in the UK, New Mexico is a bit like regular Mexico, except the white man invaded and decided it was theirs and called it New.

Excellent production value as always, we get drone shots from above, and even this sweet walk in by the crew, this could be in a movie about middle aged white men who have never had sex and think that ghosts are real! What a great film that would be.

So to start off we are informed that the Ghost Adventures crew have been called in to help Paranormal Investigators who have been baffled by events, and one of them was attacked by a ghost! One of them had been scratched by a ghost on the back of his neck. Hmmm remind you of anyone?

They enter the Double Eagle Restaurant, Zak is NOT wearing his beanie hat, I repeat NO BEANIE HAT! Looking at his hair, he has recently had a dye job, and hair replacement, so guessing he wants to show it off.

We get to meet the manager of the Restaurant, Jerry Harrell, a man I have instantly decided I like and who is completely honest and trust worthy, that is right up until I heard about this....

God damn it Jerry! Why did you have to spoil things by banning nude people. Who wouldn't want to see some meat and two veg next to their meat and two veg?

Karl Beattie

Whats the worst that could happen?

Ok lost my train of thought, what were we doing again? Oh yes grown men who have never had sex pretending that ghosts are real.

We get some nice stories by the nude hating Jerry Harrell, with some great recreations of these murders at the location.

They head off to the "Ghost Room" something that Jerry never calls it, he just called it a dining room, but that doesn't fit Zak's agenda so he repeatedly calls it the Ghost Room.

We are told of two haunted chairs, that if you sit in them, when you get home you will have nightmares. Yes people are dumb.

Some hanging crystals on the candelabra are moving a bit, clearly this is a ghost, and nothing to do with a load of people moving about in a small room with cameras and so on. No must be the ghosts. In the mean time Zak sits in one of the haunted chairs.

You know if I owned a building that I was convinced was haunted, I would spend a few grand and cover the whole place with HD security cameras, funny how no one ever does that right?

We meet a woman who does something or is something to do with something, I wasn't paying attention to be honest, anyway they have a gust of air or something, the thermo camera is on, and the woman has cold hands!

The camera man has warm hands, but hers are cold.

What could explain this? The man holding the big piece of electrical equipment has warm hands, and the woman who is doing nothing with her hands, has cold hands. I really cant think of any reason why an overweight woman would have bad circulation. Therefore surely it is the ghosts again.

The crew now decide to go to a neighbouring town to meet up with the group of investigators I mentioned earlier who had been a victim of an attack from the ghosties.

We meet Pat Olona, a paranormal investigator, and we hear the story and see the footage of one of his investigators getting scratched by a ghost. And by ghost I mean he scratched his own neck when no one was looking.

Looking up this guys group and they are a simple Ghost Adventures clone group, same kind of equipment, desperate to be on TV, usual nonsense opinions from a bunch of amateurs using equipment they don't understand.

There is the scratch, now, get your own hand, reach across your body to the back of your neck, and mime the scratch action to yourself, notice the most natural direction the scratch goes if you did it to yourself. Now look it his scratch. Yep matches it perfectly right. Its cold, you scratch yourself in a quick motion, and I bet it looks exactly like that.

Ask yourself what is more likely? ALL of physics and science is wrong, the Large Hadron Collider, the single most sensitive piece of equipment on the planet that has ever existed, that is wrong too, and this guy was scratched by a ghost. OR he did it to himself, and no laws of science have to be rewritten.

To quote William of Ockham
"Entia non sunt multiplicanda praeter necessitatem."

Zak has put on his mask for his asthma, if you had allergy induced asthma would you get into a business which meant you had to walk about old dusty buildings?

Or perhaps it is just a gimmick, and he is just into weird things?

I'm not saying that Zak Bagans has a gas mask fetish, no I am not saying that at all. 

Zak is stood looking at a reflection of himself in a window, he is zoning out, God I hope he goes full on Derek Acorah and gives us a possession, it seems so long since we had anything like that on a TV show. I miss those days.

We are about half way through the episode and I am struggling to be honest. But I am hoping things improve.

Zak is investigating back at the Restaurant and films a shadow which of course cant be any of the people present because that would just be ridiculous, on a different camera a light anomaly appears. Zak informs us in a voice over that they have debunked any suggestion that it could be an insect, and that it remains unexplained. 

There ya go, they are experts after all, if they say it wasn't a bug then who are we to disagree. Not like they have anything to gain by lying do they.

While filming through a window, something the other side conveniently falls.

We then have a hilarious couple of minutes whereby they pretend to not know how to get to the area the other side of the window.

But the funny thing is, it is literally a 5 second walk from where they was, and worse than that a huge camera on a tripod is set up right next to where the thing fell.

We find out it was a plastic sign that fell, and Zak proclaims this as concrete evidence of poltergeist activity.

The problem is, the whole scene is so obviously staged and faked, and the awkwardness of them pretending to not know how to get to the other side of the window really does expose them.

And even worse than that, right after it happens, Zak checks the camera back, and sees the footage, the other cameraman goes to high five him, but Zak responds with a fist bump, in what might be the most awkward moment in the history of the white man.

They try to get the sign to fall again, and of course it doesn't but then they hear something behind them. They investigate, but don't find anything.

They have now fixed a camera on this guys back to film his neck in the hope they can recreate the ghost neck scratch stunt of the other paranormal group. They are in the exact same spot too. We get a lot of close ups of this guys neck. Nothing happens, making this entire experiment a waste of time.

We get the usual EVP nonsense too, really poor even by Ghost Adventures standards, complete waste of time, evidentially worthless, blah blah blah.

They head off to the Ghost Room when suddenly Zak is struck by a powerful unseen force. He claims that something went through him! Could be last nights curry? I know when I have one it goes through me pretty quick too.

The replay is unconvincing and just looks like Zak over acting. Look guys if you want to make it appear like a spirit is pulling you back or pushing you over, you need to attach some cable to your belt and get a bald cable guy off camera to pull you quick, trust me no one will ever find out how you did it.

Zak spouts off some nonsense about an astral plane, a mirror being a portal, and some other mumbo jumbo that he picked up from watching some 70s horror movie, that or Scooby Doo.

And then it is revealed there is a full moon too! What more evidence do skeptics need. Quick call Brian Cox and tell him that the Ghost Adventures crew have got proof.

The other half of the crew turn on the spirit box, apparently a woman's voice saying hi can be heard, sounded like static to me. The machine is so loud anyway, it is useless.

Can someone look up the statistics of ghost hunters dying in mysterious circumstances, unexplained murders etc, because if these idiots are to be believed, it means there are thousands of paranormal investigators around the world inviting demons and evil spirits to attack them.

Personally I have tried it all and nothing has ever happened to me.

Zak and crew try to contact the dead again using the Paranormal PUK meter thingy, they've decided to speak in Spanish to the spirits to make it easier for them to reply, unfortunately they forgot to input any Spanish words into the PUK which means the ghosts are replying in English.

The spirits reveal they were murdered with a BOOT, and also the following.

So they admit from the afterlife that they were killed by a Boot, Memories and a tickle! Yes Skeptics suck on that 100% proof of the afterlife!

From that Zak deduces that they were in bed having sex when they were murdered. Yes really.

Finally they ask the ghosts if they are here with them, Kind of a silly question since they already been getting answers, and they answer in Spanish! Well sort of.

Ok for any of the 'noobs' out there, this machine is nothing more than a random word generator, they input a limited number of words into its memory, ask a question, and a random word is chosen, they then make fit whatever it says to the agenda and story line they are pushing, this is not spirit communication people.

With the apparent success of the PUK thingy, Zak decides to undo the serious damage committed earlier to white men the world over, and goes for a successful fist bump.

It hits square on, and all is right with the world again.

They ask a few more questions but nothing happens.

They do a final sweep of the room, and "something remarkable happens to Billy"
His shirt which is slightly tucked in, suddenly comes out. Yes this is the big finale. The big unexplained moment to get the world talking, his shirt comes out a bit.

And if that wont convince you then nothing will.

The investigation is over, and this was a poor episode, the only highlight was Jerry Harrell the manager of Double Eagle Restaurant, yes he has a strange unnecessary dislike of nude people, but he is still a really like-able chap, and knows how to tell a good story, and I hope his business does well.

As for the rest of the show, pretty dire, terrible "evidence" as always, not a great deal happened that couldn't easily be explained away by a 7 year old critical thinking mind. So with that I will say adiĆ³s.

By Jon Donnis
Tweet me on @JonDonnis and send your abuse to @TheBadPsych
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By Jon Donnis

Watch this episode on Amazon.com by clicking the link below.