♪♫♬ I poke my fingers into my eyes, I poke my fingers into my eyes ♪♫♬
Yes its that time once again for my world exclusive, "Banned by UKTV" review of Most Haunted. After the trouble I caused with my review of Episode 2, whereby I single handedly ruined Most Haunted for UKTV, got threatened, warned, and BANNED, I am back once again.
Before I start I have been asked to point out the following.
OFCOM in a decision of 5th December 2005 stated that of Most Haunted was “for entertainment purposes only”.
In plain English this means the show is faked. It is a spoof, it is not presented as real, and should not be accepted as real. If you believe the show is real, you are what is known in the business as a "mark". Someone who is being conned.
Think of someone who watches Pro Wrestling and thinks that Roman Reigns is really hurting John Cena.
Ok onto the episode in question.
Spunky, spunky, gooey Blurb
"Ghostly goings-on with Yvette Fielding. The team get more than they bargained for when they pay a visit to the Liverpool's oldest pub, The Slaughterhouse."
So Watson and his gang are off to Liverpool this episode and they have found a pub, a haunted pub no less. Guessing the pub needs a boost in numbers, so have called on the Most Haunted team to come give them some much needed publicity.
The past few weeks I have been watching Ghost Adventures, and had really got used to their slick high budget approach, I had forgotten how cheap Most Haunted looked. Also quick question, do you know of a single pub in England that does NOT claim to be haunted?
Yvette tells us that there was a young child that was crushed by a barrel in the pub, she then follows that up by saying there is no historical proof of it, but that the spirit of a child has been seen and heard. Hmmm. Me thinks that the owner of the pub made that up. (Admin Note: No child is mentioned in the rest of the episode)
This is Michael Devers, the completely honest and genuine manager of the pub. And yes he does not blink once in the entire monologue he gives. I think he looks haunted, that or he has had way too much caffeine.
Guilty Glen is back with Yvette doing his best to act skeptical, even though we all know he is on the gig. He also has his best new sports casual jacket on.
I am guessing that Antix Productions blew their advertising budget on Episode 2, so I doubt we will see any stories in the Tabloids moving forward.
You did realise that Antix paid the Taloids to get reported on right?
This pub looks quite decent to be fair, they have a comedy club in the cellar too.
Yvette is looking quite busty this evening. Oh no, I just had feelings. Downstairs feelings! Damn, whats going on. This is not right. I wonder if I am possessed?
Just goes to show she can scrub up quite well when she makes the effort.
Yvette and Guilty Glen are now going up some stairs, and all I can think is "Where the hell is Watson?" Please don't tell me they fired him after just two episodes. I know Yvette likes to fire anyone that is more popular than her, (Mel Crump, Jason Karl, Richard Felix, Phil Whyman etc) but I thought Watson would at least make the full season. Fingers crossed his pops up later and shows his usual high levels of indifference.
Guilty Glen making the face we all make when someone is blathering on none stop, and you really don't care, and you are just imagining what you going to have for dinner later on.
Yvette now says one of the dumbest things she has ever said.
"Whenever we ask the spirits if they can hear us they always tap for yes"
Glen looks at her with a face of complete bemusement.
You just know he is getting sick of it all now, and was desperate to say
"Well they wouldn't tap for no would they you complete and utter ignoramus who is looking quite busty tonight"
Right Stuart is in the shitter, the ladies is out of order, and all three of them are bursting. Yvette is touching cloth, Glen has got diarrhea, and Karl, well Karl just needs to knock a quick one out as it helps him concentrate, and he left his blart sock at home. Yvette is communicating with the "bog ghost".
They cant wait any longer, so open the toilet door and go in, Stuart is mid drop, and they all just stand about and look at him. Poor guy.
The next part I never thought I would ever see on TV, Yvette helps to wipe Stuart's arse, which is perfectly fine for her to do for her cousin, he hasn't learned how yet, but after she does it, she smells her fingers (see image above). The look on Guilty Glens face says it all.
They leave Stuart in the toilet, quickly do their business, and they go back by the toilet entrance. Yvette is convinced she is hearing taps through the floor. Most likely it was Stuart banging his foot as he tried to squeeze one out.
This has now been going on for a solid 5 minutes. They have this wonderful pub to investigate, and they are stood outside a toilet. I am not even joking here.
Yvette has now written some letters on a piece of paper, and has asked the bog ghost to spell out his name by tapping, and the number of taps corresponds with the letter on the paper. The bog ghost is "Albert Williams" and he worked there in 1913, and he looked after the horses. He died aged 52 after he was pushed on the stairs by the toilet. Yep he is giving all of this information from tapping. And this has now gone on for 10 minutes, and it looks like it was edited down too.
Glen asks if there is any way to research this info as he would be impressed if it matched up.
This pops up on screen. I also did my own research and did NOT find anyone of the name Albert Williams who died at The Slaughterhouse. And neither did Most Haunted. All they found was someone who lived in Liverpool with that name UNCONNECTED to the pub, who died at that time. I had a look at all deaths that are recorded from 1913, and I was unable to find anyone with the name Albert Williams who died that year in Liverpool aged 52 or any age for that matter.
At least when Derek Acorah was faking this stuff he did a bit of research first to get it right!
The Slaughterhouse Pub will be so happy seeing this episode that the MH crew spent 10 minutes outside of a toilet. That will bring the tourists in.
Half way through the episode, they put the green filters on, and start the proper investigations. Still no sign of Watson, definitely looking like he has been fired. And no sign of Stuart who must still be on the toilet.
Karl and someone else is investigating the comedy club in the basement, they hear some noises, but not much else.
Yvette and Money Bags Fred are in the room where the comedians get ready. They hear a tap, not much else.
Back with Karl and the cameraman, and a roll of tape is thrown over the head of the cameraman and into view, blatantly thrown by Karl. No need to examine anything here. Karl physically throws a roll of gaffer tape over the head of the cameraman into view and it lands in front of them. Pathetic, however many times you show the replay.
Yvette still looking busty asks the ghosties to make a noise with their voice, as opposed to their bottom I guess?
Fred has decided to start speaking in what I can only assume is Latin, he then repeats in English, "In the name of the Father, the Son and the Holy Spirit come forward and meet us", what if the ghostie is Atheist? or a Jew? Slightly offensive there Fred. Always be respectful of people's religions or lack of, for you never know.
Karl is still fannying about in the comedy club, nothing much is happening.
Fred goes to the basement on his own.
Yvette and everyone else decide to go back to the toilets to try and speak to Albert again! No joke, the big beautiful pub to investigate, and they head back to the toilets.
The manager must be well pissed off.
God this episode is boring. No Watson to entertain us. After last weeks big effort for ratings, I can imagine a LOT of new viewers will be well pissed off watching this.
It will be interesting to see the ratings when they are available. I imagine Episode 1 will start off ok, Episode 2 will get a big bump cause of all the paid advertisement, Episode 3 might end up with a big drop off.
Yvette asks Albert the bog ghost to pull her hair!
Now we know what Yvette likes in the bedroom with Karl.
While walking down the stairs Yvette hears a noise, Karl who is by her runs down and they find a knife. No one else is about, only Yvette and Karl. A cynic might suggest that as walking down the toilets, Karl just dropped a knife over the side while no one was looking.
So an item is thrown and Karl is the main suspect.
Yes even Cilla isn't impressed.
Not only is Watson not in this episode, but neither is Stuart as far as I can tell, I was only joking earlier when I said he was stuck in the toilet, now I am thinking he really was.
Anyway a real investigator would have stopped everyone, made sure no one touched the knife, dusted for finger prints, then eliminated every member of the crew.
Instead Karl quickly picks it up, and then takes it back to the kitchen and puts it back in the exact original place it was. How did he know which knife it was and where it came from? In a pub that I assume does food, there would be a LOT of knives in the kitchen area, yet he knew where the knife was from exactly, and where to return it to. No investigation, no questioning, no examining of CCTV or any camera footage, just picks it up and takes it back to the kitchen.
Everyone talks about the "incident", and Karl does his best acting to try and declare how impossible the whole incident was.
Yvette asks the ghost if he threw the knife, the ghost remains silent, even the ghost doesn't want to be blamed for this pile of crap.
Ok let me just explain something, all TV shows have a health and safety officer, at no point in the making of Most Haunted has anyone ever been in any real danger from anything they have done. If someone got hurt by a flying knife, we are talking multi million pound lawsuits. It would literally mean the end of Antix Productions, they would be made bankrupt instantly, no more Most Haunted. UKTV would be liable too. Basically put there is no way that anyone other than the main Producer of the show (that being Karl) would have thrown the knife, and when he did, he did it in a safe environment knowing no one would be hurt.
There is 0% chance that any ghost threw the knife. Absolutely ZERO chance. Again just consider lawsuits and legal issues, if for one minute you think anything on this show is real. Remember what OFCOM have stated. The show is for Entertainment Purposes Only. It is a spoof, a written and directed show. It is NOT a real investigation into the paranormal.
Karl then decides to throw the knife himself as part of a reconstruction, to prove that the sound made was completely different to the time the ghostie threw it.
Karl admits that he asked the ghosts to throw a knife, and Yvette seems genuinely quite annoyed with him. And although she carefully words things to stay in character, I do wonder if she was genuinely pissed off that he had thrown a knife as part of a stunt. She calls him and Glen stupid.
Note, this is Karl's face as he is told off by Yvette.
Now does that look like the face of someone who just witnessed a real paranormal event of a knife being thrown by a spirit? Seriously, if you believed that a ghost had really thrown a knife, had the ability to throw a deadly weapon, would that be the face you made? As if you were a naughty child getting told off by your mother?
This is the idiocy of the show captured in one photo, and whats more the idiots who watch this show and think it is real will lap this whole thing up.
The show is basically ending on Yvette telling off Karl and Glen for being stupid, no joke, just swearing at them and telling them off for being dumb. She is not angry at the ghost who threw it, no she is angry at Karl and Glen.
Truly terrible episode, it should be renamed "An investigation into the toilets in The Slaughterhouse Pub"
No Watson, No Stuart. 2 really blatant stunts of gaffer tape and a knife being thrown by Karl.
1/10 - Worst episode in years.
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By Jon Donnis