8 March 2019
So close but still so far, "from what?" I hear you say, why from the end of this series of Most Haunted. So close I can almost taste it.
I am still trying to find out more about why Karl and Fred fell out, the rumour is that Fred is refusing to bankroll episodes any more (which is why they keep doing multiple episodes in one location to save money), but Fred still had a contract to appear on the show, so Karl was unable to get rid of him.
All this behind the scenes stuff is far more interesting than the show itself, only time will tell where things will end up, but if Karl Beattie can't convince UKTV to buy any more episodes, and no other station wants it, they will simply move the show online and film it at the same time as their live experience tours, or something along those lines.
I did hear there was talk that they would include fans in future episodes simply because they wouldn't need to pay them, and in fact many fans would probably pay to appear on the show themselves.
Anyway, enough with the rumours, lets get on with the blurbage.
"Yvette takes her team to the mysterious Guys Cliffe House in Warwickshire, once a private dwelling and now home to the Fraternal Brotherhood of Freemasons."
Summer is over and it is an unwelcome return of the Premier League Managers coat for Yvette.
This week they are in Guys Cliffe House in Warwickshire. Appears to just be an old ruin other than a chapel, so I am guessing the owners want to rent it out to idiot ghost hunters.
Yvette recounts the usual ghost stories that all seem very similar regardless of where they go.
Yvette reveals that much like her own sex life, the property is derelict and abandoned, which is a shame, personally I'd knock the whole thing down and replace it with a mighty erection. The property that is, not Yvette's sex life, although.....
Glen has never been known for his fashion sense, but seriously, the absolute state of him here.
Yvette reveals that there has been lots of accounts of Poltergeist here, so I am guessing Karl will be throwing something later.
The investigation starts, and they have split into groups.
And straight away Karl is hearing noises and getting scared already. Again they use the edited in post production split screen to prove everyone is accounted for, despite the fact they only have two cameras, and scenes are not all filmed at the same time.
But why let facts get in the way of the bleeding obvious.
Glen looks tired, tired of all the chasing.
With Stuart's group again and there is a sound, something has been thrown OFF CAMERA.
A house brick has been chucked. They investigate and find no one hiding, so must be the ghosts.
Yvette is trying to get the ghosts to knock, I am sure they will a little later on.
Glen claims he has gone cold, but then beardy claims the room is roasting and the hottest he has ever been on Most Haunted. They really need to work on getting their stories to match. I think beardy misheard Glen and thought he said he was hot. Whoops.
As Karl walks about he is just kicking things to make noises and then reacting, all pretty pathetic.
He even admits at the end of his segment that he cant see anything and keeps walking into things.
Stuart and his gang are still having things thrown OFF CAMERA. The problem is they are in the ruins part of the property, so basically they are out doors, so even if you 100% believe they are not chucking things, it would be easy for someone on the wind up to be sneaking about and chucking things to wind them up.
"Dear God, I have been a good Glen, I have worked hard, kept to myself, never really caused any trouble, never said anything controversial, I don't even throw stuff OFF CAMERA while filming Most Haunted, but once, just once, can you make Yvette jump on me, maybe grab my butt, or caress my chest, just something I can put in the wank bank for later, if you do, I promise I will be good for ever, and go to Church every Sunday from now on, Amen"
Beardy, Glen and Yvette are still in the chapel, hearing noises, but nothing much really happening.
Yvette is convinced the long bench they are sitting on is shaking, of course us as a viewer have no way to relate to what they are claiming, so what could they do here? Well tell Glen to get off the bench first, then get a marble and put it on the bench, film the marble, does it move? Really simply way to show to the viewer something that the camera cant pick up.
We cross to Karl and as he conveniently looks one way while filming another direction, a door closes OFF CAMERA.
Worth noting here how grainy and dark the footage is from Karl's camera, this is what it really looks like when it is dark, unlike when they usually claim it is dark but the footage is super clear.
Karl is hearing more noises, everything OFF CAMERA.
Pretty much half way through the episode and nothing of note has happened so far.
Back with Stuart and another brick has been chucked, they actually catch it landing ON CAMERA! But sadly not from where it was thrown, which was clearly from outside the tunnel they are in.
For some reason chubby bloke has no idea the difference between a house brick and a masonry slab.
Anyway once again a real investigator would have put a camera on the far end covering the entrance, but this is Most Haunted and they are not real investigators.
Getting quite bored now.
Back with Stuart and he claims that he is not exaggerating when he says that a ghost could kill them.
Karl is trying to get the ghost to close the door, I feel like he is building up to a stunt here.
"Dead God, Thank you, thank you, thank you, thank you, yes yes yes yes yes, straight in the wank bank, that will last me for weeks, thank you God, I knew you were real!"
They split up the teams again as Glen claims a ghost attacked him and he now has ectoplasm all over his jeans, so he needs to clean it up.
Karl has joined with Stuart, so I can only assume something good is about to happen, probably at the end of the episode as a cliffhanger.
I wonder if Yvette has a bit of trapped wind and needed to crouch to let it out?
Glen has cleaned the ectoplasm off his jeans, and has now found a room he can look at his laptop in. He starts to record for EVPs.
Stuart starts to sing famous R. Kelly song "I Believe I Can Fly" and doing the actions with his hands, Karl quickly warns him that perhaps a R Kelly song is not the best to sing in the current climate, Karl suggests "I wish I could fly by Orville the Duck", as they don't believe Orville has had any sex slaves, raped anyone, or even run a sex cult. But then you never know.
With Yvette and they claim to be hearing knocks etc, but if you listen closely you can clearly hear the sounds of birds, and what do birds like to do? Yep you got it, tap, knock, walk about, generally make noise. EVERYTHING they have heard in this episode that wasn't obviously faked, could easily be put down to birds, And then there are squirrels, they could be picking things up, dropping them, walking about and so on. In an open environment like this, there are zero controls, so to even talk about bangs and knocks is completely pointless on an evidential level.
Stuart claims he cant see anything, not even the wall, despite the fact the camera filming him has a huge light on it, and the picture quality is crystal clear, so they are hardly in anything close to darkness. More lies exposed. Remember what I said earlier, when it is genuinely dark, the picture will go very grainy. When it is clear, there is a lot of light.
Karl asks the ghosts to copy him and whistles, suddenly there is a whistle back. They cross to Yvette and then they hear a whistle too. Probably the same ghost. Well that or they can hear Stuart and Karl whistling at each other.
Chubby bloke keeps saying he can feel cobwebs on him, well yes mate, you are in an old dilapidated building, you probably have walked through a cobweb or two, and you know how once you have walked through one, you just cant get that feeling off you, well that is what you are experiencing, nothing to do with ghosts, well unless my garage is full of ghosts, because every time I go in I get a sensation of cobwebs.
Karl and Stuart both whistle, and make sure they are both on camera at the same time. There is then a clear whistle heard, but they do not react as you would expect in fact they hardly react at all, and if you listen to the audio of the whistle carefully, it has blatantly been added in post production. Naughty naughty Karl. If it wasn't so blatant you could blame it on the birds.
Well they need a cliffhanger, since this is a two part episode, so they asks the ghosts to do something, there is a bang, and the episode ends. Spoiler it was a big pole that was stood upright earlier, and it has fallen OFF CAMERA, because these two idiots were filming themselves.
So the episode ends, and well nothing really happened did it. Some bricks were thrown from an OFF CAMERA position. There was a whistle added in post production, and some birds did what birds do.
Another really poor episode.
I will give it 1/10, the 1 is purely for Glen proving that God exists.
Review by Jon Donnis.
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By Jon Donnis