20 January 2018

REVIEW: Most Haunted - Series 21 Episode 2 (26th January 2018) Llanfylin Workhouse Pt 1

I am back, after the huge outrage from the snowflakes, regarding last week's review. I was accused of "fat shaming" Yvette Fielding. And why I hear you ask? Because I used an old saying "A moment on the lips, a lifetime on the hips", to describe Yvette Fielding as it appeared she was looking curvier than usual.

The fact I complimented Yvette throughout the previous review, goes to prove that people just look for offence where there is none.

So to Yvette Fielding, a woman I know reads these reviews, I am sure you took my comments in the light hearted spirit they were meant. I personally think you look great, and the curves suit you. Now why you are with that old wrinkly scrotum of a man in Karl Beattie I will never know. 

And with the word scrotum already used, that can only mean one thing, BLURB!

"Spook-searching with Yvette and co!. Yvette and the team are pushed to the limits on a memorable visit to Llanfylin workhouse to discover why anyone would stay after they had died."

Everyone thoroughly enjoyed my predictions last time, so I thought I would do them again. Also I promise you these predictions are legit, I don't come back and edit them, or add to them, it is what I predict will happen.

1. Something will be thrown OFF CAMERA.
2. There will be a carefully choreographed pre-planned, scripted argument.
3. Fred will say something strange.
4. Yvette and Glen will hold hands in a suspicious manner.
5. Yvette will tell people to ssshhhh.
6. Fred will blame something on a demon.

This week we are at an old Workhouse, they seem to do a lot of ghost hunts at these old work houses.

What on earth is Yvette wearing here. Last week she had on a nice pair of tight trousers that showed off her lovely figure, this week she has some kind of sack wrapped around her waste? How bizarre.

Message to Yvette, you have a lovely womanly figure, don't let anyone tell you to cover up. Be proud. 

(Is this Sack Shaming? Snowflakes feel free to leave me abuse in the comments section, I wont approve it, but I do read it all.)

What a lovely looking place, someone needs to buy it and turn it into a hotel or a pub.

Yvette and Glen are talking about the ghost of "The Master", can I say here and now, I am alive and well, and my ghost is not haunting the Llanfylin Workhouse.

"I have every reason to believe everything you are telling me" - Glen to Yvette.

I am guessing that Glen has never watched Most Haunted in his life.

I wonder if they are a bit short on footage for this episode, as there is a lot of talking between Yvette and Glen at the start about the place. Keep this for your podcast guys, no one really cares to watch Most Haunted to hear you talk about what people may or may not have done when they were alive. We are here to see you throw stones, fall over and generally make fools of yourself.

Blimey, just fast forward through the first 13 minutes, this is monotonous. 

No idea who this guy is, but he is having fun it seems.

As they finish the first very long scene, they turn the lights off and suddenly something is thrown OFF CAMERA. 

Yvette is convinced it was a light bulb, but since the floor is covered with crap and debris, it could literally be anything, and since it happened OFF CAMERA the whole thing is evidentially worthless.

"When we are leaving a room and stuff happens, that should be called something" - Yvette Fielding.

I have a suggestion. How about we call it "Karl throws something OFF CAMERA".

Glen is seriously considering his life choices here. He knows it's all bull, but he has to collect his paycheck and he is signed up to do this stupid podcast with Yvette, so he just gotta play the game.

Stuart is back I see, so expect lots of things to be thrown this week. Also gives Karl's throwing arm a rest, he has tennis elbow you know.

Yvette is now calling it "The Come Back Phenomena" for when things are thrown as they try to leave a room.

Karl is sat on his own.

Fred is with Stuart, and already Fred is feeling "strange", doing his best Derek Acorah impression.

22 Minutes in and nothing has happened other than a few noises OFF CAMERA. Seriously just fast forward, this is ridiculously bad. Come on Stuart do something.

And as I say that there is a noise in Stuart's group. Of course it is OFF CAMERA. And there are no static cameras about, just Stuart and his handheld camera. 

Karl is sat on his own, he has placed the camera down and is just filming himself as he talks. I don't understand the point of this in respect to a ghost investigation.

Fred walks into Stuart and Stuart is convinced something was thrown at him, despite it clearly just being Fred walking into him while he holds his book.

As they examine the floor, there is a noise, and magically a chair has been thrown on the stairs...... OFF CAMERA.

As Darren goes to investigate, he ends up in what looks like the private area of the building where someone lives, and the back door is wide open. Therefore instantly even if you believe this is all real and not set up, there is a chance that someone was watching them, chucked the chair and then ran off. You see if there was static cameras, they would have caught this, but of course that is never the case. So instead we are left with these blatantly set up, ridiculous incidents that just make a mockery of the whole thing.

So ask yourself what is most likely, a ghost threw the chair, or someone else on the crew did? Every time something happens OFF CAMERA, the most likely explanation is always that it was a member of the crew who did it.

Karl is still sat looking at the camera, and strangely nothing is happening.

Stuart and Fred are trying to understand who threw the chair, Fred said it must've been a demon. Yes that makes the most sense. An evil demon decided to scare them, by throwing a chair OFF CAMERA.

Karl is still rambling on to himself while nothing happens. Strange how since he has put his entire body and both arms in shot that nothing happens.

Another chair as been thrown OFF CAMERA near to Stuart, Fred and Darren. 
More running about and gnashing of teeth, and Stuart trying to prove that there is no one else around.

Karl has finally got off his skinny arse and is investigating, I am guessing now he has one hand free something might happen.

Karl then says hello to that bag of something on the chair, the bag does NOT reply. I confirm the bag does NOT reply. How rude.

Back to Stuart and just as he is about to go back downstairs, something is thrown over his head and into view. I would guess from about where Fred is standing, so OFF CAMERA.

Stuart and Fred are arguing, I am guessing that people caught on to the fake Karl and Yvette arguments so instead they decided to flip the script and have Stuart and Fred argue instead. Hilariously the argument is based on Stuart wanting to dash about looking for someone real who is throwing the chairs, and Fred saying it is a demon and they need to stay in one place.

They finally show the replay, and it is clear that the thing that is thrown is an old light bulb and it comes from over Stuart's head, exactly where Fred is standing.

I wonder if Stuart did not know Fred was going to do this, so didn't actually see the thing being thrown and land, so wasn't sure where he had to look.

Stuart and Fred are still arguing, it is so obviously fake. Stuart is overacting here way more than usual.

"Something bad is about to happen" - Stuart.

Nothing happens.

Been ages since we have been with Yvette and Glen, and Yvette out of nowhere grabs Glen's hand, and thrusts it towards her behind. Glen cant hide his glee here.

Yvette holds onto Glen's hand for way too long here. 

As Fred, Stuart and Darren return downstairs, there is a laugh out loud moment as Fred suddenly gains Stuart's attention, and both couches have been carefully turned over...... OFF CAMERA. Not sure if someone tipping a couch on its side is considered to be bad.

Yvette is still holding Glen's hand, and he has never looked more smug in his life.

I can tell you now, that Glen wont be washing that hand for a while.

Yvette hears a noise, and finally lets go of his hand. There was a faint sound, but it could literally be anything, including an owl, or kids out at night on the road, or anything. Since there is no controls in place, the most likely explanation is that it is someone real nearby.

Since this is a two part episode, it all ends rather unexpectedly, we get some brief preview highlights of the next episode, and the credits roll.

This was a poor episode, nothing even vaguely interesting happens for the first 25 minutes, so you can just fast forward through that. The rest of the episode is the usual - Noise OFF CAMERA - Investigate - Find Something - Rinse - Repeat.

With last weeks episode seemingly being the start of an improvement, this weeks episode has dragged the show right back to its normal level of nonsense and mediocrity.

Terrible episode. 1 out of 10.

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By Jon Donnis

16 January 2018

REVIEW: Most Haunted - Series 21 Episode 1 (19th January 2018) Birmingham Central Lock-Up

As you will know if you are a regular reader, I have recently been reviewing classic episodes of Most Haunted mainly due to people asking, but also as a filler as we waited for the new series to arrive, well sadly after having gotten used to Derek Acorah being possessed by a monkey, I now have to reluctantly get on with reviewing the new series. I managed to miss out a lot of episodes from series 20 since they shoved them all on in a week during Halloween, but no excuses now, I have to do it.

So with Watson the Most Haunted Bulldog biting at my feet trying to get my attention, I see what can only be described as a withered, old, wrinkly sack, a once great tight smooth sack, but now decrepit, unwanted and covered in old plasters and dog excrement, inside that sack is blurbage. And alas here is the blurb for this weeks episode.

"Spook-searching with Yvette and co! A wailing woman seems to want to make contact with the team at a disused prison in Birmingham which has housed some notorious criminals."

Hang on a mo, they were in Birmingham and no one bothered to let me know! I could have done a one man protest.

As the title logo appears on screen, I have decided to gaze deep into my crystal balls, and make some predictions about tonight's episode.

1. The ghosts will only perform OFF CAMERA
2. Yvette will scream as if on cue
3. Yvette and Karl will have a carefully planned fake argument
4. Fred will appear suspiciously
5. Glen will sneak a peak at Yvette's curvy behind

Usually over time the production for a TV show will improve, and by that I mean better graphics, better set pieces, better camera angles, and all round a tighter production. Unfortunately this is not the case with Most Haunted.

Looks like Yvette has had a nice Christmas, lots of mince pies.

"A moment on the lips, a lifetime on the hips"

Must say I do like the new curvier Yvette. I can only imagine Glen's face when he sees her!

With a bit of luck maybe some, if not all of them might end up locked up in the prison as part of a grand OFCOM scheme to put them out of business for good? We can only hope I guess.

Just Glen checking out that booty!

Glen and Yvette are walking around the prison, talking about the history and ghost stories. Usual nonsense, but if you are interested in such things I am sure you will find it educational.

They go into Cell B23, which is supposedly the most haunted cell in the whole prison. There's suddenly a dodgy edit and then a noise, and they go running off to investigate and we get split screen action.

How exciting! Well exciting if OFF CAMERA noises excite you that is.
They waste 2 minutes and find nothing and return back to Cell B23 for some hilarious banter.

When you give the girl you like your best line, and she just laughs and dismisses you.

They actually put some real night vision on (totally not needed as the place is not dark) and the investigation begins.

Suddenly there is a sound of a toilet flushing! So they run into a cell and low and behold a toilet is mid flush, no poop, but it is flushing, how can this be? There is no one in the cell. Hang on, the chain that you pull to flush a toilet is outside of the cell, and guess who is stood right by it as the toilet flushes OFF CAMERA, yes it is Karl, a cameraman then goes to great lengths to show how no one was there and so on. Even though clearly Karl was stood right there. 

Because the plastic bit at the end of the chain is not moving, they say that is proof that no one pulled it, someone then goes to prove this hypothesis, but the footage is cut, so I am guessing it didn't work out how they liked.

Yvette is talking to the ghosties after the gang has split up.

Things are happening OFF CAMERA in the Karl group. While Yvette and Glen are both describing a bad taste in the back of their throats. I believe that this happens after "snowballing". If you don't get that reference then do NOT google it.

Ok the cameraman and Karl have a new gimmick, basically they get a phone out, and move one finger across the keyboard and if they hear a real world tap, they press the key they are over. Hilariously as they do this the phone receives a message. But is ignored. Maybe it is Derek Acorah?

It could be worse I guess, they could download a shitty Echo Ghost Box app thingy off the app store and then expect the viewer to take it seriously? (Sorry Chris Howley couldn't resist)

Glen is feeling drained, exhausted, as if he had been doing something tiring. 
Yvette is convinced she is about to pass out on the floor, but says it comes and goes. 

Back to the idiots with their phone and they have come up with the name "Mary Scott", so to put this in perspective, they are sat down somewhere and they themselves have typed a name into their phone, and they want the people watching to believe this name corresponds with tapping from a ghost.

At least Derek Acorah put some effort into his bullshit names, pulled a funny face, did a strangely scouse accent for every ghost, hell he got possessed by a damn monkey! And that was episode 1 over 16 years ago! Now we have idiots typing names in a phone.

Fred Batt appears suspiciously, and has a few sheets of paper in his hand with names written on from a census, and as if by some kind of miracle, the name Mary Scott is on there! The owner of the phone proclaims clearly "I never saw that before"

Other than a few moments, Karl has really stepped out of the spotlight on this episode so far (17 minutes in), and instead this camera guy seems to have been given a bigger part, he is even talking to the ghosts that do not exist now.

No idea who he is, but he looks like they found him asleep on a street corner, dragged him in with them and said "you wanna be a star?"

No sign of Stuart, guess he is super busy with his car stickers business. And poor old Watson, cant even get on the show these days. Poor animal.

Suddenly there is a noise and a chair has been tipped over OFF CAMERA.

Karl is claiming that the chair was thrown at him with some force. Most likely explanation is that while all cameras were pointed elsewhere, he used his foot to flip the chair.

With Yvette clearly rather proud of her new curvy behind, Karl goes full Treasure Hunt, and films her Anneka Rice style as she runs down the hall looking for a ghost. Wonderful TV moment and I hope they do more of this.

Perfectly on cue we now get the obligatory fake argument between Karl and Yvette as Yvette gives him big eyes. 

More filming of Yvette's bum by Karl, never known this before on Most Haunted, so this is definitely a pre planned filming technique. I am guessing the conversation went like this.

Yvette - "I've been doing my squats every day, and I am really proud Karl"
Karl - "You ain't no Mel Crump love"
Yvette - "I told you to NEVER say that name again!!!"

Karl - "Ok ok, I am sorry, do you want me to film your rear end on the show"
Yvette - "Yes, but don't be too gratuitous, just when I am running or bending over"
Karl - "Yes mum, I mean Yvette, I said Yvette, oh for f*cks sake"

Back with Fred and suddenly some sink taps have been turned on OFF CAMERA. The type that you press from the top and they stay on for 30 seconds or so, so in other words, easily activated with very little effort.

They pretend to look around for anyone who could have done it. 

Yvette hears a loud bang OFF CAMERA, and screams, her and Karl run about looking for the cause. They start arguing again because they know the fans find it funny, so we get a good 5 minutes of it. 

Fred and some other crew members are in a cell, and the toilet flushes again, of course, no camera outside, and no one supposedly outside, this time the chain is moving! Which proves that someone did indeed pull it, and not a ghost.

Glen is on his own in a cell, with a camera and his laptop. I dread to think what he gets up to in there.

Yvette and Karl in a cell on their own with a camera each.

They hear a noise from outside of the cell, and apparently some tables have been moved.

Worth noting at this point in the show that Antix Productions who run Most Haunted insist that all CCTV at a location is disabled before they start filming and do their own investigation. You would think they would welcome the extra cameras, already installed, that are filming all possible angles right?

Now ask yourself why they would insist that all CCTV is disabled?

So this ghost likes to turn taps off, flush toilets and move tables and chairs about. What a wonderful life for this ghost, but he is careful to always do these acts OFF CAMERA. Let us analyse this for a moment, a ghost is doing things so that people know he is there, but he wont do anything on camera because he doesn't want anyone to see him. Yep makes sense to the idiot believers.

Fred is reading from his "5 Steps to be a better Ghost Hunter" book. I wonder if he has set up a patreon yet? Seems to be the thing to do? I much prefer Amazon Gift Vouchers! 

Suddenly there is a noise, and a chair has been thrown OFF CAMERA outside the cell that Fred was in. You would think that Karl could stump up a few hundred quid for a couple of GoPro cameras to just leave filming in the corridors? Would instantly either prove the existence of ghosts, or expose someone chucking things.

Back with Yvette Fielding and Karl and another noise, something has been thrown OFF CAMERA. Also hearing knocks. Karl proclaims "we are definitely not alone", no there is at least another 8 crew members on location, if not more.

Back with Fred etc, and another chair is thrown OFF CAMERA.

"Demons are the most cunning things you will ever come across" - Fred Batt

"Demonologists are the most CONning things you will ever come across" - Me

Yvette is now whistling to the ghosts, and the ghost whistles back. Yes the ghost whistles back, not one of the 8+ crew members dotted around the place.

The team is now back together and they are listening to EVPs that Glen has found, but suddenly there is a bang and a door has been slammed OFF CAMERA.

Glen is still desperately trying to find something vaguely interesting, but there is another bang. 

Glen almost gets caught looking at dodgy websites on his laptop, but quickly changes the screen.

Glen has been manipulating the audio for a while now, and has picked up a disturbing sounding groan on the laptop. The problem here is that the sound could be almost anything, could have been added in by Glen, could be a natural sound from Yvette slowed down to sound spooky. One thing for sure is that it is not a ghost.

Karl makes this face.

So as with all EVPs, they are evidentially worthless. They have no scientific value, and only total amateurs would ever deem them worthy of anything.

We are then shown footage of a camera moving slight on its own, along with a groan, and then the episode ends.

I have to admit this was a better than usual episode, and a good choice to start the new series with. Yes the set pieces were obvious, things were all thrown OFF CAMERA, the EVP was dodgy as hell, but with Yvette showing off her new curves, an interesting location, and a funny face by Karl, I give this episode a decent 3/10

Still terrible, a ball ache to watch and a waste of my time, but 3/10 is better that what I normally give them, so perhaps this series will start a new trend of improvement.

If you would like to show your appreciation for my work why not donate an Amazon Email Gift Voucher to me to show your appreciation. I do this for free, you will never see a load of ads on this site, so the only way I get anything out of writing, or running this site is if people donate.

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This is the best way to show your appreciation for the work I do. So if you enjoy the site, then how about donating me a voucher, and I promise I will only spend it on good stuff like video games or whiskey! And if not that's ok. I will keep doing my reviews regardless.

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By Jon Donnis