Before I start if you have not watched this episode yet you can do so at this link on Amazon
So here I am once again with my Ghost Adventures review, and the best thing about these reviews is that I am not getting threatening emails from UKTV about them. Like seriously do UKTV even understand how the TV business works! For those wondering I will publish my episode 3 review of Most Haunted after episode 2 airs. Also as predicted the new Bulldog on Most Haunted has instantly become the most popular character on the show, he even has his own excellent Twitter Account that you all really should go follow. He is a very clever dog. Shame he will be put down at the end of the series, or be "accidentally" run over by Karl when he is reversing his 4x4 out of the drive one day.
Anyway onto Bilbo Baggins and his crew of half wits, or Ghost Adventures as you might know it as.
"Zak and the crew travel to New Mexico to investigate the Double Eagle Restaurant and the Dona Ana County Courthouse; both buildings have been plagued by death, leading to poltergeist activity that torments investigators."
Episode starts and I am instantly reminded of Zak and his lack of reading ability. Why cant they find a professional voice over artist to read the narration, instead of forcing Zak to do it. He sounds like a robot, a constipated, intellectually inferior robot.
So the crew are in New Mexico, for those in the UK, New Mexico is a bit like regular Mexico, except the white man invaded and decided it was theirs and called it New.
Excellent production value as always, we get drone shots from above, and even this sweet walk in by the crew, this could be in a movie about middle aged white men who have never had sex and think that ghosts are real! What a great film that would be.
So to start off we are informed that the Ghost Adventures crew have been called in to help Paranormal Investigators who have been baffled by events, and one of them was attacked by a ghost! One of them had been scratched by a ghost on the back of his neck. Hmmm remind you of anyone?
They enter the Double Eagle Restaurant, Zak is NOT wearing his beanie hat, I repeat NO BEANIE HAT! Looking at his hair, he has recently had a dye job, and hair replacement, so guessing he wants to show it off.
We get to meet the manager of the Restaurant, Jerry Harrell, a man I have instantly decided I like and who is completely honest and trust worthy, that is right up until I heard about this....
God damn it Jerry! Why did you have to spoil things by banning nude people. Who wouldn't want to see some meat and two veg next to their meat and two veg?
Whats the worst that could happen?
Ok lost my train of thought, what were we doing again? Oh yes grown men who have never had sex pretending that ghosts are real.
We get some nice stories by the nude hating Jerry Harrell, with some great recreations of these murders at the location.
They head off to the "Ghost Room" something that Jerry never calls it, he just called it a dining room, but that doesn't fit Zak's agenda so he repeatedly calls it the Ghost Room.
We are told of two haunted chairs, that if you sit in them, when you get home you will have nightmares. Yes people are dumb.
Some hanging crystals on the candelabra are moving a bit, clearly this is a ghost, and nothing to do with a load of people moving about in a small room with cameras and so on. No must be the ghosts. In the mean time Zak sits in one of the haunted chairs.
You know if I owned a building that I was convinced was haunted, I would spend a few grand and cover the whole place with HD security cameras, funny how no one ever does that right?
We meet a woman who does something or is something to do with something, I wasn't paying attention to be honest, anyway they have a gust of air or something, the thermo camera is on, and the woman has cold hands!
The camera man has warm hands, but hers are cold.
What could explain this? The man holding the big piece of electrical equipment has warm hands, and the woman who is doing nothing with her hands, has cold hands. I really cant think of any reason why an overweight woman would have bad circulation. Therefore surely it is the ghosts again.
The crew now decide to go to a neighbouring town to meet up with the group of investigators I mentioned earlier who had been a victim of an attack from the ghosties.
We meet Pat Olona, a paranormal investigator, and we hear the story and see the footage of one of his investigators getting scratched by a ghost. And by ghost I mean he scratched his own neck when no one was looking.
Looking up this guys group and they are a simple Ghost Adventures clone group, same kind of equipment, desperate to be on TV, usual nonsense opinions from a bunch of amateurs using equipment they don't understand.
There is the scratch, now, get your own hand, reach across your body to the back of your neck, and mime the scratch action to yourself, notice the most natural direction the scratch goes if you did it to yourself. Now look it his scratch. Yep matches it perfectly right. Its cold, you scratch yourself in a quick motion, and I bet it looks exactly like that.
Ask yourself what is more likely? ALL of physics and science is wrong, the Large Hadron Collider, the single most sensitive piece of equipment on the planet that has ever existed, that is wrong too, and this guy was scratched by a ghost. OR he did it to himself, and no laws of science have to be rewritten.
To quote William of Ockham
"Entia non sunt multiplicanda praeter necessitatem."
Zak has put on his mask for his asthma, if you had allergy induced asthma would you get into a business which meant you had to walk about old dusty buildings?
Or perhaps it is just a gimmick, and he is just into weird things?
I'm not saying that Zak Bagans has a gas mask fetish, no I am not saying that at all.
Zak is stood looking at a reflection of himself in a window, he is zoning out, God I hope he goes full on Derek Acorah and gives us a possession, it seems so long since we had anything like that on a TV show. I miss those days.
We are about half way through the episode and I am struggling to be honest. But I am hoping things improve.
Zak is investigating back at the Restaurant and films a shadow which of course cant be any of the people present because that would just be ridiculous, on a different camera a light anomaly appears. Zak informs us in a voice over that they have debunked any suggestion that it could be an insect, and that it remains unexplained.
While filming through a window, something the other side conveniently falls.
We then have a hilarious couple of minutes whereby they pretend to not know how to get to the area the other side of the window.
But the funny thing is, it is literally a 5 second walk from where they was, and worse than that a huge camera on a tripod is set up right next to where the thing fell.
We find out it was a plastic sign that fell, and Zak proclaims this as concrete evidence of poltergeist activity.
The problem is, the whole scene is so obviously staged and faked, and the awkwardness of them pretending to not know how to get to the other side of the window really does expose them.
And even worse than that, right after it happens, Zak checks the camera back, and sees the footage, the other cameraman goes to high five him, but Zak responds with a fist bump, in what might be the most awkward moment in the history of the white man.
They try to get the sign to fall again, and of course it doesn't but then they hear something behind them. They investigate, but don't find anything.
They have now fixed a camera on this guys back to film his neck in the hope they can recreate the ghost neck scratch stunt of the other paranormal group. They are in the exact same spot too. We get a lot of close ups of this guys neck. Nothing happens, making this entire experiment a waste of time.
We get the usual EVP nonsense too, really poor even by Ghost Adventures standards, complete waste of time, evidentially worthless, blah blah blah.
They head off to the Ghost Room when suddenly Zak is struck by a powerful unseen force. He claims that something went through him! Could be last nights curry? I know when I have one it goes through me pretty quick too.
The replay is unconvincing and just looks like Zak over acting. Look guys if you want to make it appear like a spirit is pulling you back or pushing you over, you need to attach some cable to your belt and get a bald cable guy off camera to pull you quick, trust me no one will ever find out how you did it.
Zak spouts off some nonsense about an astral plane, a mirror being a portal, and some other mumbo jumbo that he picked up from watching some 70s horror movie, that or Scooby Doo.
And then it is revealed there is a full moon too! What more evidence do skeptics need. Quick call Brian Cox and tell him that the Ghost Adventures crew have got proof.
The other half of the crew turn on the spirit box, apparently a woman's voice saying hi can be heard, sounded like static to me. The machine is so loud anyway, it is useless.
Can someone look up the statistics of ghost hunters dying in mysterious circumstances, unexplained murders etc, because if these idiots are to be believed, it means there are thousands of paranormal investigators around the world inviting demons and evil spirits to attack them.
Personally I have tried it all and nothing has ever happened to me.
Zak and crew try to contact the dead again using the Paranormal PUK meter thingy, they've decided to speak in Spanish to the spirits to make it easier for them to reply, unfortunately they forgot to input any Spanish words into the PUK which means the ghosts are replying in English.
The spirits reveal they were murdered with a BOOT, and also the following.
So they admit from the afterlife that they were killed by a Boot, Memories and a tickle! Yes Skeptics suck on that 100% proof of the afterlife!
From that Zak deduces that they were in bed having sex when they were murdered. Yes really.
Finally they ask the ghosts if they are here with them, Kind of a silly question since they already been getting answers, and they answer in Spanish! Well sort of.
Ok for any of the 'noobs' out there, this machine is nothing more than a random word generator, they input a limited number of words into its memory, ask a question, and a random word is chosen, they then make fit whatever it says to the agenda and story line they are pushing, this is not spirit communication people.
With the apparent success of the PUK thingy, Zak decides to undo the serious damage committed earlier to white men the world over, and goes for a successful fist bump.
It hits square on, and all is right with the world again.
They ask a few more questions but nothing happens.
They do a final sweep of the room, and "something remarkable happens to Billy"
His shirt which is slightly tucked in, suddenly comes out. Yes this is the big finale. The big unexplained moment to get the world talking, his shirt comes out a bit.
And if that wont convince you then nothing will.
The investigation is over, and this was a poor episode, the only highlight was Jerry Harrell the manager of Double Eagle Restaurant, yes he has a strange unnecessary dislike of nude people, but he is still a really like-able chap, and knows how to tell a good story, and I hope his business does well.
As for the rest of the show, pretty dire, terrible "evidence" as always, not a great deal happened that couldn't easily be explained away by a 7 year old critical thinking mind. So with that I will say adiós.
By Jon Donnis
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By Jon Donnis
Watch this episode on Amazon.com by clicking the link below.
Watch this episode on Amazon.com by clicking the link below.