I would like to start off with an apology.
After I published last weeks review, I was accosted by a group of social justice warriors. One in particular launched a verbal barrage at me, which to be honest caught me by surprise.
Their anger was directed at me due to a single line in last weeks review. A line which was complimenting Yvette Fielding. At first they had misread it and thought I was insulting her, but even after pointing out that I had complimented her, it was already too late, the talons were out and I was to be their prey. I had complimented Yvette on her high waisted jeans which in turn complimented her figure, something we don't see very often due to her love of huge Premier League Manager coats.
I commented that for a 50 year old woman how good she looked. However there was one specific group of words the SJWs had been offended by, that being "post menopausal".
They took offence that at first why couldn't a woman who was "post menopausal" be sexy, and then when they understand I had said the opposite, they then took offence that I used the term at all.
Accusations of "Casual Sexism" were thrown at me, and they even tried to get various women's right campaigners to attack me too.
To avoid any issues, I edited the line and removed the words "post menopausal".
The abuse carried on, and I was basically described as being insidious, a misogynist, and various other anti-man terms. I believe at some point "Toxic Masculinity" was also thrown in there.
So with that I would line to apologise to all the social justice warriors out there, to all you signal virtuing feminists on Twitter I am very sorry. It was never my intention to offend, and there is nothing that hurts me more than a bunch of miserable, childless, middle aged, "bob cut" cat ladies to be annoyed with me, or to be upset in any way at what I write. These articles are always written off the cuff, with no pre-planning, no real thought, I try to amuse people and give light in what is a very dark subject matter.
So with that apology, in honour of the social justice warriors, who always have #FBPE in their twitter name, the following review will be 100% politically correct, pro belief and pro woman.
The following synopsis of the episode was written by an unpaid intern at UKTV, who surely deserves to be paid, as it contains the kind of poetic, thoughtful preamble of the legendary James Madison. And it thoroughly deserves our attention and respect.
"Yvette and the team are put to the test at Hodroyd Hall, as activity seems to be all around them, and something is following them."
As the episode starts we come face to face with this disclaimer, a disclaimer they are forced to air due to the evil male overlords at OFCOM who are paid off by white billionaire men who support Brexit.
Sadly there is no escape, but you can rest assured that Most Haunted is most definitely NOT entertainment! It is the complete opposite.
We are back at Hodroyd Hall for part 2 of this special 3 part investigation.
If you remember in part 1 we had some spirits drop some coins right next to where Karl was standing. Clearly the ghosts only did this so that horrible nasty skeptics would blame Karl, thus proving that ghosts are real, and these evil ghosts clearly wanted to set Karl up to be mocked.
Yvette is with Karl and Fred, and they have the laptop set up to record for EVPs, and Yvette is talking out to the ghosts, asking them to make some noise and tap out.
Yvette is pointing out letters on the laptop and asking the ghosts to tap if the letter matches their name. What a clever and genius idea to communicate with the spirits this is. Although it is unlikely that a spirit would even know what a laptop is, or understand how a keyboard works, not to mention the way the typed letter appears compared to how words were written hundreds of years ago, that doesn't matter.
And for those toxic men out there that would ask such asinine questions like "If a ghost can throw a coin or make a tap/knock on the floor, why cant it press a key on a keyboard which would take a fraction of the effort than throwing a coin" I say to you, shut up. We don't need your toxic masculinity around here. It is clearly easier and much quicker for a ghost to see someone point at a key and then tap the floor, than it would be to just type out their name.
The ghost has revealed his name is Henry Harries, and he was 55 when he died and he died in May 1901.
Idiot "Septics" would just say that Yvette researched a name before hand, and just typed it out. But why would she do that? She has no possible motive. And you cant prove she cheated, therefore it is all 100% real.
Glen, Darren (the man with excessive facial hair), and Rick, the relative of Yvette who bravely stepped in at the last minute, and refused to be paid, are also investigating an area, but aren't getting much luck. Clearly the spirits are female, and the last thing they want is to be left alone with 3 men.
Especially when one has facial hair which is a clear sign of toxic masculinity.
Back with Yvette, Fred and Karl, and Karl asks Fred to check his records, and low and behold there was indeed a man called Henry Harries who died at 55, right outside the location, and this totally backs up everything the ghost told Yvette, and 100% proves the existence of ghosts.
There is no way Yvette could have possibly researched this beforehand, and as you know we must always "believe all women" in everything they say, as they are always honest and never lie, even if they are actively making money from the claim.
UPDATE: The excellent Ellis Moon (Twitter @theshadowplane) has spotted something that I would like to share.
"Henry Harries did not die just outside the Hall as Fred implies.
He died at Race common Road Barnsley which is 7.5 miles from Hodroyd.
Article from Sheffield Evening Telegraph 11/05/1901 as proof."
As soon as the episode has finished I will ring the JREF and demand they hand over $1m to the Most Haunted team, but to write it only in Yvette's name as the men cant be trusted.
Yvette now wants Henry to spell out a word or sentence to describe how he felt when he left this world and went to the next.
The word he spells is "Bliss".
Yvette asks him if he is happy and if he is with his family, and he says yes.
I am assuming he knew that the very trust worthy and honest Most Haunted team would be investigating the place where he had this terrible accident and decided to just pop by and visit so he could relive his death, purely for the benefit of a TV show that airs to a few hundred thousand people.
Yvette is still asking questions to Henry, and although to a man the questions would sound really idiotic and patronising, Yvette says it with such authority and grace that as a strong independent woman, the ghost is clearly impressed with her intelligence and replies each time.
The Toxic Duo and Rick are still together, and although it is not shown on camera, and I have no way of knowing, I am sure they were objectifying women, and making disgusting noises with their bottoms, and burping too.
But on camera, they are talking to the ghosts and nothing is happening, clearly the ghosts are not impressed by them.
19 minutes in and Yvette is still at the keyboard translating ghost taps to words. It is this kind of serious investigating that proves that Most Haunted is real. And although some would say they are just trying to stretch out the episode and fill time, clearly those people have never been on a real investigation.
If a ghost was tapping while Yvette pointed at letters, some very idiotic people would suggest that Yvette, nor anyone else present would need to see what letter she was pressing, but clearly that wouldn't work, because sometimes ghosts look through the eyes of the living, so would need for Yvette and/or Fred to see what she was doing, so the ghost would know when to tap.
And just because 100% of experiments of this nature that have ever been conducted IN HISTORY, fail when the people taking part are blindfolded, doesn't mean it doesn't work, it just means it didn't work that specific time, and any way, what would a man know about science and investigating? Just because 853 men have won the Nobel Prize compared to just 51 women, just means that men have male privilege and women are held back.
The teams all change up, and brother and sister are investigating together again.
Karl is in the attic on his own.
He is hearing knocking and seeing "movement", that although is OFF CAMERA, does not mean he imagined it or is lying.
Fred is also on his own, and is hearing bangs and knocks.
This guy, who I have no idea of his name, is stood with his buttons on his shirt undone, if that was a women she would be slut shamed, and called all manner of horrid names, but because this is a white man, no one bats an eye lid. And it is this kind of toxic masculinity that is destroying society. Look at him with his sleeves turned up, it is like a slap in the face of Dame Millicent Fawcett.
Also they are hearing knocks and bangs from the ghosts, nothing on camera though.
Glen has gone back to his MacBook pro to listen out for EVPs.
Yvette with her brother are hearing shuffling noises.
Karl is still in the attic and is getting very nervous. Almost as if something is about to happen.
Clearly the ghosts are psychic as a door suddenly slams shut.
Now unfortunately the door slams right at the moment Karl turns his camera away, so we dont actually see it slam. But it was definitely ghosts, in fact you know it is ghosts because as he turned the camera away the ghosts created a slight blur in the footage so that skeptics would think there was an edit, and that Karl just closed the door himself, and added in the sound affect afterwards. But no that was not what happened and it was definitely ghosts.
Remember that ghosts are by their very nature crafty, so will always wait until the camera is facing away before doing something, and although a second camera would catch them out, the ghosts know that Most Haunted only have 3 cameras between them. Also the presence of real ghosts will cause the audio to be affected and make it sound like audio has been edited in post production.
Fred is on his own, and as he walks towards the corner of a room, I thought that he had dropped a coin, but it is then revealed that it was in fact a ghost who had thrown it but from Fred's position.
The coin lands tails up, something the ghost did on purpose to completely throw off the narrative they had been pushing in the last episode of coins always landing heads up when thrown by ghosts.
Again further proof the ghosts are crafty. And to prove just how crafty, the ghost again waits for Fred to point the camera the other way, and throws another coin which lands tails up.
Yvette Fielding intelligently asks the ghost to make a noise with its voice. Because ghosts are famous for making noises with their voice as any real investigator knows.
Yvette has seen something move in the hallway, luckily her brother Rick is filming the back of her head, and therefore protecting the viewer from seeing something that could give them nightmares. It is the thoughtful attitude of men like Rick, who enjoys drinking soymilk, as well as calling for white people to stop being so racist when they smirk, and who self identifies as a feminist that really makes shows like this great.
I wish we had more men like this, stay at home house husband type men who let their wives order them about, and who always insist on the woman driving the car, and even when the woman cant get into the parking space, he would never dare ask to park for her, because he know that even if it takes her 243 tries she will do it eventually and anyway it would be much better than a man parking, even if he did get in the space first time.
Yvette is convinced she is seeing a small child playing, but sadly the camera is not picking anything up.
Back with Karl, his battery is dying, and the footage cuts as he sees something and the episode ends.
I have decided against giving this episode a score, as who am I, as a man to judge a TV show that features a woman. So I suggest everyone score the episode yourself.
I look forward to part 3 of this investigation.
Upon re-reading this review, it appears that I assumed the genders of everyone on the crew, and clearly to do this would be transphobic, therefore I would like to apologise to the LGBTTQQIAAP community.
Review by Jon Donnis
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By Jon Donnis
I haven't yet read the synopsis because I'm still laughing at the middle age, childless cat ladies. Kind've describes me perfectly but minus the miserable. It annoys me that offence is taken so easily. For goodness sake, they need to get over themselves!
Now if only all the previous reviews had followed these guidelines...:)
Hilarious! I can't thank you enough for cheering up this depressed,post menapausal, middle aged female with your witty reviews of Most Haunted. I would send you a voucher Don but being a spinster as I am I have no man to support me financialy
It is so nice to see people with a sense of humour, at times I wonder if a sense of humour is a dying condition
When the taps start for the first time they are clearly being made by Karl stomping his foot, as evidenced by the synchronised camera bounces. When he pans to the floor to show everybody's feet, the tapping initially gets louder, as you would expect, but then suddenly gets quiet and remains so while Karl utters, “I can’t pinpoint where it’s coming from”. However, when he pans the camera back up and Yvette coughs, the sound is suddenly restored to its previous high level. Very strange!
Check out the piece of paper that Fred produces to validate the name that Yvette has just channelled through the Wi-Ji © board. It has just two names on it! It looks like it had more, but those were ripped away, as though Fred knew that he wouldn't be needing them!
We nearly get a genuine argument between Karl and Yvette when he gets frustrated at her not hearing his stomping as she is moving her fingers over the keyboard: because it is just taking far too long to get this damn message nonsense finished!
How big is the torch that Yvette is carrying in her vigil with her brother? I thought they were meant to be filming in the dark? This leads to a hilarious scene when her brother suggests that she turn it off and she says, “I am," and instead just hides the torch from the camera behind her leg! She then pretends it is now dark by pronouncing, “My God, how dark is that?”
Yvette then claims to see something low down in the hallway. Right before this she seems to be checking the precise position of the camera, she then jumps back, out of fright, and manages to fill the entire camera frame with the back of her head. It seems Yvette is very jealous about sharing her paranormal experiences with the viewer!
So it looks like they have used up all the dross to pad out these first two “nights”. I can’t wait to see all the good stuff they have held back for the final part…
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