It's that time of the week again, whereby I drag my decaying corpse out of the coffin, because I have to review Most Haunted Off Camera. A show so bad that even the hardcore fans have run out of excuses for the nonsense.
After last weeks truly terrible episode, this week is the second part. So with that, I go and find Karl Beattie's oldest pair of trainers, I wipe the excess dog excrement off, I place a piece of paper on the floor, and press the trainers down on the paper. As I pull the paper away, clear as day is the blurb for this weeks episode.
"Spook-searching with Yvette and co! Whatever was making itself known to the team at Llanfylin workhouse is still evident as something seems to be following Yvette from the shadows."
Quick predictions for this episode.
1. Yvette will scream at nothing.
2. Glen will be touched by Yvette.
3. Stuart will say something, and immediately the opposite will happen.
4. Stuart will act in a suspicious manner.
We start off with overly long highlights from the previous episode, just to remind us of how bad it was, and also to fill some time.
Straight back into the investigation.
Glen is having to bite his own finger to try and prevent an unfortunate bulge as Yvette grips the girth of his forearm tightly.
Yvette is claiming to hear tapping and groans, but the replay shows that there is no sound.
Stuart and Karl can hear a slight tapping sound, which could easily just be a drip from the roof etc.
Back with Yvette and she is whistling "God Save The Queen".
Darren then claims he is "not making a subconscious noise" after Yvette says she can hear something. Do you think someone should tell Darren what subconscious means?
A door has opened a tiny bit, but since there was no continuous shot, this cannot be considered evidence of anything other than someone opening the door and not closing it properly between takes.
Back with Karl and Stuart and there is a hilarious moment whereby Karl does this weird blinking thing and then claims to have seen something, when the camera turns, a wire hanging from the roof is moving slightly. It is so incredibly fake, it is laughable.
I am instantly reminded of this popular GIF
It truly is Karl's worst acting moment.
Suddenly someone has spotted some water on the floor that wasn't there before.
I know he hasn't been spotted yet in the new series, but perhaps Watson is on location, but has just been edited out, and this right here might be the reason!
Naughty Watson did a piddle on the floor.
Yvette gathers everyone to do a Ouija Board, but is quickly interrupted by Karl who has heard something upstairs, so all of them then go upstairs. Lots of banging, taping, and a chair suddenly gets thrown OFF CAMERA.
So many people, so many cameras, yet not a single shot of it happening. They are really pushing this new term "recall event" (When something happens when you leave an area), guessing they want ghost hunters to start using it.
Karl is now at the bottom of the stairs, and there is a noise OFF CAMERA, and of course as we turn the corner, Stuart is there.
It is always quite amusing listening to Yvette and Stuart talk for the ghosties, telling us what they do and don't want.
Yvette wants to get back to doing a Ouija board, Stuart says "they wont let us", quick edit and...
As even the most amateurish of Ghost Hunters know, there is only a couple of ways to do a Ouija Board, whereby you can eliminate cheating.
1. Blindfold everyone taking part.
2. Remove any direct friction that could cause it to move.
Let's see which controls Most Haunted use?
And they use no controls whatsoever. We are talking the most basic of controls to make sure there is no cheating, and they use nothing. They are all in direct contact with the planchette, all able to move it and all able to see the board.
The reason why they don't use controls is because funnily enough they have done so before, they once did a Ouija Board with blindfolds and guess what happened? Nothing coherent came out. As for friction controls, well Yvette once (and only once) tried to do a ouija board while wearing gloves, and totally gave the game away when she went to push the glass, and her gloved finger slid across the glass, exposing 100% that she was trying to push it.
And guess what, here is that footage.
After this #YvetteFielding never wore gloves during a #Ouija board segment on #MostHaunted again! #MHL No friction on gloves when you push! pic.twitter.com/nIqQnxIWCD— BadPsychics 💙 (@TheBadPsych) September 22, 2017
So they KNOW controls that can eliminate cheating, and they deliberately do not use them. This to me is them 100% admitting that they cheat.
Here is an interesting shot. Stuart clearly has hair stubble growth. Is his alopecia a scam? Make your own mind up.
As expected the planchette starts to move. It spells out "DIE".
Watching them closely it is pretty clear that Karl and Stuart are the people deliberately moving it.
It spells out David Davies
Hilariously they are using a Most Haunted branded Ouija Board. Is this for sale? Is this a new gimmick they are going to bring out soon to sell to gullible idiots?
It then gives the number 1929, and we get this helpful graphic on screen.
Fred had this info on him in his list, so with no controls, information they had on them, on location, was spelled out on a Ouija Board perfectly. Anyone buying this?
Bizarrely Yvette keeps calling this ghost "Davvid" instead of "David". Very suspicious.
They've left the Ouija Board, and are up and down the stairs and generally hearing things. Yvette is now whistling. It is so annoying.
There is at least 10 of them involved in this, plus a few more we never get to see. It is ridiculous having so many people involved.
You could have 1 less person involved, and use the money that would have paid them, to buy some cheap GoPro style cameras, and leave them all around the place. That would solve so many problems. But of course it would also make faking things much harder, so you can understand why they don't.
The teams split up again, and Yvette is hearing breathy sounds again, probably Glen hidden in a corner in the dark with his hand in a place it shouldn't be.
Stuart's hair is definitely growing back as they film this episode.
Glen looks well pissed off that he has been separated from Yvette and stuck with Fred. Not much chance of a crafty bum squeeze with Fred there.
Something has been thrown OFF CAMERA again.
Ok here is something for you all to go check, at exactly 29m.54s, watch Stuart carefully as he puts something in his pocket, I am guessing Stuart was the person who threw the thing before, perhaps he has picked something up ready to be thrown later.
We then get 3 replays of Karl pretending to hear something on his right hand side despite there being no one there. Not sure what the point of a replay is here.
Whatever happened to the days of Stuart passing out or falling down stairs, those were the good old days.
Damn this episode is dragging. Nothing of note has happened other than a few OFF CAMERA incidents and the faked Ouija Board nonsense.
"Is anybody there? Tap once for yes, twice for no"
Yvette can hear tapping, so they ask downstairs if Fred can hear tapping, they ask him if he hears it on the ceiling or the floor, and he says ceiling.
I will let you figure that one out. But the stupid is definitely strong in this episode.
Karl then claims he can see a flashing light off camera. The camera turns around, and it is clearly just the reflection from one of the camera's screens.
You can see in this shot how the door is reflective and reflecting the light of the camera. (Thought this was supposed to be in the dark and with night vision?)
There is also a window in the room, and as the camera pans quickly, you can see lights in the distance, so any shadows, lights etc could be almost anything from kids with torches having a laugh, to car headlights, to street lamps, anything.
A professionally run ghost hunt would black out all windows to prevent outside light pollution.
As they continue to walk about, something has been thrown OFF CAMERA. And some more piss water has appeared on the floor.
Yvette says the noise sounded like a metal bowl, now what on earth would you use a metal bowl for?
All 240 of the crew member are stumped as to what could have caused the water.
Yvette decides to ask the ghost and gets two taps as confirmation.
Yvette whispers to herself. "What has water got to do with anything?"
They are in deep discussion about the water.
The perfect pay off to this scene would be to Stuart to suddenly appear and be soaked head to toe in water. But alas they are not smart enough to do that.
Ok, let's be reasonable here. Someone has a bottle of water with them, and they have taken the top off, chucked a bit, then hidden it again in their coat.
The idea that 10 or more people would do an all night investigation, without at least one of them having one bottle of water is ridiculous.
Suddenly there is a big noise OFF CAMERA. After a quick look around they find a tap.
Could have been anyone, perhaps that is what Stuart hid in his pocket earlier.
They all get excited about the connection between a tap and water.
They tease about checking the EVP recorder, but a voice over tells us it was fruitless, so guessing Glen forgot to edit in any sounds.
As the episode draws to a close and they start to leave, a pillow has appeared on the floor. Again OFF CAMERA.
An OFF CAMERA incident pretty much sums up this episode.
Another slog through mediocrity.
Another terrible episode. 1 out of 10.
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By Jon Donnis