7 June 2017
Review: Most Haunted Series 5 (or 19) Episode 9 (Standon Hall in Staffordshire Part 2) - REALLY to air Friday 9th June 10pm
What if I am wrong? What if I have always been wrong? What if there really are ghosts and all along I have just been denying it, desperately ignoring all of the evidence just so I didn't have to admit I was wrong? What if there really is an invisible flying Loch Ness Monster humming the theme tune to The A Team while flying past my window? What if there really are midget aliens living on Mars who smoke cigars in the shape of trumpets? What if I was wrong about all these things? What if Yvette Fielding really is a nice lady, and has always been 100% faithful to Karl Beattie? What if Monkeys can really speak in perfect English but only do it when no humans are about? What if? To some these ideas seem ridiculous. But some people do believe. Do you?
Ladies and Gentlemen, Boys and Girls, People of all ages, genders and particulars. We are back once again for our world famous review of Most Haunted! Yes we have no lives, we are sad pathetic people who sit in our mothers basements watching a show we hate just to complain about it. Yay us and our trollish ways!
First up time to empty Karl's filthy scum ridden blart sock and have a look at his dirty blurbage.
"Spooky scripted series with Yvette Fielding and her Scooby gang. The team continue their mammoth investigation of Standon Hall. Yvette has some harsh words for Karl when he follows the script exactly, and performs a prepared stunt with a knife (again) and takes a completely 'not' dangerous risk."
By now you will have hopefully read our article exposing last weeks episode whereby we showed that Karl and only Karl gimmicked the whole knife throwing incident, if you have not seen that, quickly go to HERE and read it.
Now surely he wont try the same trick in this episode would he? Not when his own production footage caught him out and exposed him! No, no way he would be that stupid. (Clue. He does exactly that because he is that stupid!)
Last week we had a brief 3 second introduction to the lovely Rose Hillan, that was by far the highlight of the show, will we see her again, I hope so.
We start of this weeks episode with a short montage of everything that happened last week. Including the ridiculous nonsense with the knife that no one fell for.
Since this is a part two, we get no proper intro or walk about, as we are straight back into the investigation with Yvette talking about how concerned she was with the knife being thrown by Karl onto some ladders that have feelings. Think of the children people! Think of the baby ladders who will have to go the rest of their lives without the parent ladders! Think of the conversation when mommy ladder marries another ladder, and the child looks up to his new daddy and says
"You are not my real ladder, you are just my step ladder"
As Glen looks lovingly towards Yvette, Yvette shows her alligiance to the "Vaterland" (Fatherland)
I was recently asked on the BadPsychics forum if Most Haunted really use night vision, or if it is a filter like I state. Well here is a shot of Karl with his camera, notice the big powerful light on the top, and also the lack of shadows on his face from the lights pointed at him. By the looks of this, it is a simple black and white filter being used, and the area is very well lit.
Seems like they will just carry on with noises and shadows which is a shame, as usually you can fast forward through the first half of the episode to get to the nonsense. Now I have to pay attention to all of it.
Karl is at the back again and hears another "clatter", as usual OFF CAMERA (are you starting to see a trend with this show yet? Everything happens off camera! How would the ghosts know where every camera is and how to avoid ever being caught on them?
Now during this episode the camera caught Glen showing something to Yvette on his laptop, but it couldn't quite be made out, so I did some "CSI Shit" and I found the unedited picture he was showing her. Click on the image above to bring up a bigger version and you can see for yourself what Yvette was looking at.
Karl is now back down in the kitchen, and we get our first shot of the knife rack that became so interesting in last weeks episode, I have put a time code underneath so we can keep track of what is and what is not on the rack. This time code is direct off the UKTV website, so it is 5 Minutes and 53 Seconds out of a total of 45 minutes for the episode, just so you can double check yourself as I know you naughty believers always think I am upto something.
They hear a noise. Fred seems all to quick to say a knife is thrown, but we don't see any knife, Karl claims he caught it all on camera, and Fred seems quite surprised by this.
We are constantly cutting between Yvette and her stooges and Karl and Fred, which really does make it hard to keep track of a realtime timeline.
Karl points the camera at himself and Fred who are stood at the door, of course another noise is heard, but because we can't see more than Fred and Karl's upper bodies, both their hands are out of shot, however it does look to me like Fred is the culprit here, just from his movement. But I could be mistaken. Have a look yourself, at the 7 minute 50 second mark, Fred's movements match perfectly to him throwing something underarm, and then the noise of something landing and making the noise. Ask yourself if these people were honest, why not set up a single cheapo camcorder on a table the other side of the room, to film them at the door?
Another noise is heard, of course not on camera, and they leave the area pretending to be scared.
They rejoin Yvette and the others. They talk about things for a while, nothing happens, Karl insists he wants to go split up again, Fred quickly states he will go with Karl.
Karl and Fred go back to the Kitchen. And they find a knife.
We cut back to Yvette and gang.
Glen has gone in a mood and is now refusing to take part, such a big baby, and all because Yvette wouldn't touch his mini Glen.
Yvette starts talking to the ghosts.
We cut back to Karl and Fred, and guess what, something is missing!
Now don't you think it would have been smart to set up one separate camera pointed at those knives constantly? Afterall if you are scared of knives being thrown by the ghosts, and you are claiming that twice a big knife has been thrown, and come from the same location, wouldn't it be smart if you were trying to find evidence of paranormal activity that perhaps you might want to film there? So from experience we know that every time a knife goes missing, it usually gets thrown minutes later. I do wonder how they are going to do this, as clearly it needs to be more than just a knife being thrown on the floor off camera, they done that twice now, and first time Karl threw it, second time Fred threw it, they need to do something big!
We cut pointlessly back to Yvette and gang.
Glen has picked himself up and has stopped being a big moody bear.
Yvette starts whistling a really annoying tune.
Back to Karl and Fred, as they prepare for the big stunt.
Karl is clearly holding th camera with his left hand, and Fred is stood to Karls left too.
Karl's right arm is being held in a strangely high position. I wonder why?
Karl prepares himself by turning his head to the left and then boom!
Using his right arm he throw the missing knife at himself in as safe a manner as he can, sideways.
He then bizarrely holds the top of his head even though it hit him in the face, and still manages to hold the camera facing him pretty still. Now lets just say you got hit in the face by a knife that you did not expect, would you hold onto the camera and without issue manage to keep filming yourself perfectly?
Despite the knife clearly hitting him in the side of his face, he is still holding the top of his head! This is pretty funny stuff.
Now the give away that he is throwing it at himself is that he closes his eyes BEFORE it hits him, unfortunately it is almost impossible not to flinch when you are throwing something at yourself, as you cant help but prepare for impact.
Here is a GIF that shows him clearly close his eyes before the hit and prepare himself.
Is that blatant enough for you? Don't believe me, go to 17m10s on the UKTV offical airing of the episode, freeze frame it yourself, and tell me am I lying?
Ask yourself why his right hand was so high before the stunt, when clearly he didn't need it to hold the camera. Ask yourself why the camera never pointed away from his face despite the fact he claims a ghost threw a knife at him.
They find the knife on the floor, and of course it is the one that is missing from the rack that I pointed out earlier. Guessing he wasn't brave enough to hit himself with the big knife from the previous episode, so went for this lighter knife.
Karl comes back to Yvette and the others, and then has a barny. I wonder here if Yvette's anger is legit here, not because she believes for one second that Karl was really hit by a knife thrown by a ghost, but that he is throwing a knife at himself, after all accidents can happen. Even with a well rehearsed stunt like this.
Also worth noting that Fred and Karl are both laughing at this. Just stop for a moment and put yourself in the position they are claiming that Karl was put in. A ghost throws a knife at your head, and just a minute later you are laughing and joking cause you are being told off by your wife. If this was real, the whole shoot would have been shut down instantly. No arguments, no messing about, everything would be shut down. You would get everyone to leave the building. And you would go through the footage with a fine tooth comb, hoping to have caught something on camera that you could analyse. But no. They go back to Yvette, laugh and joke about, and carry on with the investigation.
This is a TV show, TV shows have strict health and safety rules. If a knife had been thrown by an unseen force for real, the show would have ended right there and then, and an internal investigation conducted.
Good news. GORT is back! So far this season he has been a complete waste of time and money! So they leave him roaming the building as they leave for the night.
Sweet baby Jesus we are only just about half way through the episode. Shoot me now please!
We are back in daylight and in colour and Yvette starts a walk through that is usually reserved for the beginning of an episode.
Next up is a hilarious moment whereby Karl is filming a corridor for no reason whatsoever, and a wheelchair suspiciously rolls into view.
Now as Karl goes to investigate, he films EVERYWHERE except the wheel chair itself, giving ample time for whoever gimmicked it time to move out of the way. Now either it was pushed and the person left through a door to the right side (Option 1.) or it was pulled with some fishing wire by someone hidden off to the left (Option 2.). Now if it is Option 2, when Karl investigates ahead they could easily escape back down the corridor where he came from. Or it was GORT (Option 3.)
Either way this was a blatant set up, and a ghost 100% did not push a wheelchair conveniently into shot while Karl was filming a corridor for no reason as at all.
Karl eventually returns to the Wheelchair, and finally has it fully in view, he asks the ghosts to move it again and can you guess what happens next? Absolutely nothing.
Karl keeps filming this time at the opposite end of the room.
First the before shot.
And then the ghost waits patiently for Karl to move the camera away from the scene and the moment he is not covering the desk, the door closes on it.
Karl investigates and pretends to not know what happened.
We get 5 replays of the door closing OFF CAMERA!
Fast forward a few hours and Karl and Yvette are outside in the dark, claiming to have seen a figure in the distance. (OFF CAMERA) Karl sees it again and goes off on a chase.
They go back into a building and start searching. Of course they find nothing, and nothing is caught on camera.
We do however get a brief shot of the lovely Rose.
Wish she would move the camera so we could see her pretty face!
Right something interesting happens at exactly 29m 15s. It is hard to make out, but you can hear a very faint whisper that is one of the crew, sounds like "right just see"??? Not sure, but as soon as he says it, Yvette then claims to hear something and runs off back across the area. Almost like a prompt for them to do the next bit. I'd love someone with better sound system to record this and see what they say.
Karl then notices another wheelchair in a different position to where he left it. Of course despite having a static camera filming there earlier, he moved it so did not catch any footage of the wheelchair moving, another crew member admits that they walked through the area with Fred earlier, but that they didn't move it.
We are getting more pointless running about as Karl and Yvette keep claiming to see someone, of course NEVER on camera. All this running about reminds me of Benny Hill! Anyone fancy making a montage and adding the Benny Hill music?
At least this running about is a nice change from the usual boring investigations.
Finally we get to see a bit of the lovely Rose. Although she is hiding behind Glen, so guessing she has no interest in appearing on the show, which is a shame.
Yvette is calling out to the ghosties, they are ignoring her as usual.
Strangely not had any knocking or tapping this episode.
They carry on with the investigation, and notice how they don't have the filter on now. This is usually how bright it is when they are investigating, no lights in the room are on, just the lights on the cameras, so you can get a good idea with this shot how bright it is during an average investigation.
The lovely Rose Hillan again makes it into shot! Good for her. Easily the best thing to happen to Most Haunted since the lovely Mel Crump.
All this running about and fannying around has wasted a good 15 minutes of the episode, which is good, as now just about 8 minutes left.
Karl is now investigating some lights being turned on. Again off camera. So they are now looking in and out of some rooms.
Karl points down a corridor and says to the cameraman there is someone there and to run after him, we get some running about and suddenly a bang, and when they go into a room a vase has been smashed on the floor. OFF CAMERA!
They keep searching rooms, the idea being that because there is no one in them, it MUST have been a ghost that threw the vase, or made other noises and so on. This way of thinking is ridiculous.
Here is a theory for you all, perhaps GORT is behind all of this, GORT hit the wheelchair and made it move then he scarpered off in the opposite direction. GORT hit the table with the vase on, knocking it on the floor. GORT knocking into doors etc would explain all the noises they have heard. A shadow from GORT showing against a wall and moving could make you think you have seen someone.
And because GORT is supposedly self controlled, he was left to roam about. Just a thought, although lets say you wanted to use GORT to fake some things, what better way than someone to sit way off camera with the remote control and get him to do things, he is small enough that you can drive him off under a chair or something to hide after an event. And because the way they run about looking for things they always make out they are looking for a person or a ghost, no one thinks to look for a small remote controlled car with a GoPro strapped to his roof!
They even now cut to GORT, and have him driving about, so we know he is present and ready to be used.
As the episode comes to a close, as Glen is walking ahead Yvette comes close to the camera and says
"Glen is being very brave, I think he is showing off"
I wonder who he could possibly be showing off for or who he is trying to impress?
We are told that even more horrors will come next week, and the end credits roll and we are done.
So what did I think of the episode, well a lot did happen, they clearly put some effort into the stunts this week, even if they were all pretty easy to debunk. Throwing the knife against his own face was probably the highlight, that was quite funny.
And due to the fact we saw the lovely Rose on camera a few times and even heard her speak that pushes up my score for the episode to a lofty 4/10 I cant give the episode any higher since there is no Watson AGAIN, Stuart is no where to be seen, and I can only imagine if he had been present what better stunts he could have been involved with. And we got GORT too, if only in brief segments.
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By Jon Donnis