♪♫♬Glen likes to put his hands on Y̶v̶e̶t̶t̶e̶ "A Vet"♪♫♬
♪♫♬Some say he does it for a bet♪♫♬
♪♫♬He's hiding a boner♪♫♬
♪♫♬No longer a loner♪♫♬
♪♫♬Delete your web history don't forget♪♫♬
Ladies & Gentlemen, we are back once again for my world famous Most Haunted review.
So pull out your favourite blart sock, get that vaseline ready , prepare your Cadbury alley, for we are at Standon Hall in Staffordshire for the first of a three part extravaganza!
Did you know when you login to the UKTV website and try to watch Most Haunted, you have to click a button answering if you are over 15 to watch, and then you have a disclaimer stating the show is for ENTERTAINMENT PURPOSES ONLY. It is as if they are telling you it is fake, and then laugh at those who think it is real.
With no sign of Watson now for a good few weeks, I am wondering if he has been "accidentally" run over by Yvette while reversing her 1982 Vauxhall Nova?
We open up with Yvette doing her usual voice over about the location, she asks is this just people's overactive imagination or is Standon Hall really Haunted? Fair questions, which I could answer right now.
And right away they cut away from Yvette to a Yvette voice over stating that you can see a face in the glass panels behind her!
At the best it is pareidolia, personally I can't see any face, can you? Leave a comment if yes.
Also I hate to say this, but Yvette is looking quite busty today too. Oh no I am getting those naughty feelings again, I was warned about this by my Priest!
No sign of Watson still, remember what I said earlier in the series, the moment anyone gets more popular than Yvette they are soon written off the show.
Yvette and Glen then come into the building TOGETHER, nothing suspicious here, completely innocent.
I wish my wife looked at me the way Glen looks at Yvette.
Glen has his hands in his pocket, and a smirk on his face, so all is normal there.
Glen tells Yvette he has been working out, so she tenderly feels his bicep, impressed by the size of his bulge, they walk off up the stairs to further explore the building.
A door has already shut on its own, and they discuss some of the cameramen's experiences, Glen then admits that he believes in Stone Tape Theory, so to put that in context, the show's resident "skeptic" believes completely in a 100% unproven, paranormal claim.
Yvette just cant keep her hands off Glen this episode, and just looks directly into his eyes while he talks.
In other unrelated news Karl Beattie is not present during this scene.
Yvette hears a tap, and asks "are there many of you watching us?"
And with that lets take a look at the ratings for Most Haunted through April/May.
Most Haunted April 22nd - 367,000 viewers (Episode 2 with the faked footage)
Most Haunted April 29th - 301,000 viewers
Most Haunted May 6th - 353,000 viewers
Most Haunted May 13th - 278,000 viewers
Most Haunted May 20th - 292,000 viewers
There is no date available for Episode 1, and the ratings for the 26th May episode not released yet.
What can we ascertain from these ratings? Well they had a nice number for the episode where they spent a fortune on publicity, and getting footage of the Stuart overlay video effect in the papers and online websites, it then dropped, before going back up again, and then 2 weeks with a lower rating. These numbers are way up on last year, where some weeks they struggled to even get in the top ten.
Ok back to Greg tapping with his foot, sorry I mean the spirits communicating through tapping.
A quick pan with the camera reveals there is at least 6 people involved with this scene.
Karl has now appeared and is giving his worthless opinion on the tappings, it definitely seems like they are trying to set the viewer up to be prepared for a lot of "events" to happen later in the investigation. And since this is a three parter filmed over two nights, it is almost as if they already know that they will have a lot of "activity", which is strange.
Some more claims of seeing shadows etc, all very boring, when suddenly we are introduced to Rose!
Rose Hillan is apparently the Assistant Producer on Most Haunted, and from this shot of her, she is looking very fit. Could we finally have a woman to replace the legendary Mel Crump as the resident fitty on the show?
Rose Hillan has instantly become the most credible, most honest, most interesting person on Most Haunted, and since Watson's demise, we have a new hero to get behind.
Karl talks very favourably about the lovely Rose. And then cuts across to Yvette who is stood like this.
I cant see Rose lasting long with Yvette already jealous of her. And Karl giving her the crafty eye too.
I assume she will be in these 3 episodes, and then gone never to be seen or heard of again.
The fake night filters have been added to the cameras, and the investigation proper has now begun.
Karl and Yvette have separated from the rest and have headed downstairs into an area with boilers and so on. 30 seconds in and they are having a barney, and arguing with each other.
Back with the others and Glen has his laptop out, but is not letting anyone see the screen, luckily I know Russian hackers who showed me exactly what he has on his laptop.
As they are stood there, Fred starts talking to the forces of evil and darkness, and hilariously Greg/Darren?? comes out with a loud "for f*cks sake are we really doing this?" directed at Fred, which is possibly the funniest moment of the whole series, and also the feelings of every viewer.
Did you know that Yvette Fielding's Grandmother is from Cyprus! Just another thing we have in common.
Ok back to the show, and they are hearing tappings by Fred, who has one hand in his large pocket.
Yvette has heard a growl type sound, they investigate and realise its the sound of a door closing, now they kind of expose themselves here, because if a door had to open and then close for something to go through, then it is definitely NOT a ghost, it would be a real person.
Glen and Fred are now claiming they can hear a faint musical instrument being played.
Back to Yvette and Karl and Yvette says the following "My hair looks like pubes again"
No joke, she says that, that is not me being funny, or anything she literally says her hair looks like pubes AGAIN. I don't know what to say to that. Karl makes a few rude comments, Yvette claims she is called a silver fox and admits her pubes are grey. Yes that really happens. To change the subject she quickly pretends to have heard a noise.
Just a note, here is Yvette's hair when Karl met her, you can make of that what you will.
Here is an interesting article about Standon Hall.
"Controversial plans have been passed to turn a historic listed building into a house - despite concerns from residents it will actually be used as a 'haunted house' attraction"
Well it seems that their concerns have come true. Every week Most Haunted seem to investigate places that amount to being tourist attractions due to claims they are haunted.
Where is Stuart? Not seen him at all so far. Hmmmm.
27 minutes in, and I am starting to get distracted, and rather bored. Lets hope for a big ending to liven things up. Only so much of Karl and Yvette pretending to hear things and see shadows I can put up with.
Next up we hear a wimpering noise, they replay it, and 100% it's a pigeon, I guarantee you, I hear the exact same sound every morning and it drives me mad.
It has just occured to me that I might have confused Greg and Darren, so please keep that in mind when I mention names.
Darren is now claiming that they have been hearing a piano being played, and something like a tuba, yet incredibly us the viewer have heard no such thing.
The entire episode up until this point has only had a few taps, some random far away sounding noises and a shadow that they never got any footage of.
Nothing has been thrown at all, maybe that is because Stuart is not present, and Fred was told off for getting caught a few episodes back. I suspect that instead of ruining the effect of a big ending by having lots of things thrown, they will keep it to just one thing being thrown. Let's wait and see if I am right.
The whole group is now back together, so if you are going to throw anything here is the best time to do it with 10 minutes left.
Some good facials in the shot above. They move into a kitchen area. Darren has a headache. There is also a smell in the kicthen of dead pig, that or Yvettes bottom problems have returned. I suspect if they are going to do a "throw scene" it will be in the kitchen, since there is a lot of metal aboutt which is great for making noises with.
Karl has started imagining things now, claiming that someone was stood behind Glen, but clearly there is no one there.
As they leave the kitchen and Karl being the last person out, suddenly there is a loud noise, upon investigation Yvette finds a large knife on the floor.
As always the knife was thrown off camera, so most likely Karl just chucked it with his spare hand as they were leaving the room, that way there was no risk of accidentally hitting anyone.
There is also a fly present, which I have decided to call Keith, and hopefully he is the new member of the team. Karl decides that flies are a demonic sign. Well of course they are.
Now if this was a real investigation, what you would do is put the knife carefully in a plastic bag and seal it, then later on dust it for finger prints, and if any were found compare it to all of the crew members, but of course instead of doing that straight away Yvette picks up the knife and throws it against some ladders that are on the floor to recreate the original sound. Do you see how unprofessional this is? It is not a real investigation, never has been, not even on day one of the very first series over a decade ago.
Endless replays of Karl overacting, and ridiculous analysis of the whole thing which was NEVER caught on camera.
A bit more talking, and the episode ends.
So the only real talking point was the knife at the end, it wasn't caught on camera, so instantly it becomes worthless as evidence of anything. Karl was the last person to leave the room, he is known for throwing knives, spoons, forks, you name the type of cutlery and he has thrown it.
Another very poor episode, no Watson, no GORT. We only got 3 seconds of the beautiful Rose Hillan, so all in all a disappointing episode, where nothing of value happened.
It is another 0/10 from me, and a few hours of my life I will never get back.
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By Jon Donnis