25 May 2017

Review: Most Haunted Series 5 (or 19) Episode 7 (The Ripon Prison in Yorkshire) - REALLY to air Friday 26th May, 10pm


♪♫♬Old Mother Hubbard♪♫♬
♪♫♬Went to the cupboard,♪♫♬
♪♫♬To give the poor Watson a bone;♪♫♬
♪♫♬When she came there,♪♫♬
♪♫♬The cupboard was bare,♪♫♬
♪♫♬And so poor Watson had none.♪♫♬

If you have witnessed cruelty to animals, like putting them in danger, or leaving them hungry, you can report such people to the RSPCA

Also a big thanks to all of you who donated Amazon Gift Vouchers to me after last week's review. very much appreciated.

And with that said we can start our latest review of the UK's worst fictional drama, Most Haunted.

So while Karl stops playing with his Rusty Sheriffs Badge, lets take a look in the spunk sock at the blurb for this weeks episode.

"Spook searching with Yvette and co. The team attempt to stay the night at the old prison in Ripon where they have some lingering former inmates for company."

If you recall last week they were in the workhouse in Ripon, so this week I am guessing they are doing the prison. A place that without any research on my side I am assuming is now a tourist attraction, and "being haunted" is part of its gimmick.

We start off with a replay of these two numpties.


The guy on the left was David "Random Stoner" Ault if you recall. A professional actor who sells audio book ghost tours. The other guy, no idea, and don't care.

Some more replays from last week, no set up, no intro, just straight into replays, how very bizarre. We get to see Yvette (Also a professionally trained actress, although you would never guess) feigning surprise when her name of Henry Lupton that she got from the Hasbro Ouija Board was found by Faker Fred in his book, that Yvette 100% definitely did not see off camera, honestly M'Lord I found him like that.

Now I hate to admit that I missed something, but upon watching the replay of the book, I noticed something else.


Yes Fred's thumb is pointing at the word imbecile.

Definition: imbecile
a stupid person.
synonyms: fool, idiot, cretin, moron, dolt, halfwit, ass, dunce, dullard, simpleton, nincompoop, blockhead, ignoramus, clod....

Was this a subtle nod towards all of the Most Haunted fans who think this show is a real paranormal investigation? Or was it a nod to me, the biggest idiot of all who writes about them? I will let you decide.

Finally the show proper starts and Yvette's first words are that the prison is now a museum! I called it didn't I!

Since Watson the Most Haunted Bulldog wasn't allowed on last weeks episode, I am guessing he wont be on this episode either.

Remind me again why they decided to have a dog on the show?

Disclaimer: In no way are we suggesting that real life actor David Ault actually smokes any illegal substance, we are making fun of the character he is playing on a spoof TV show. Whether David Ault smokes or not is of no real interest to us.

David Ault is back, hope he isn't using some of his audio book in this interview, otherwise what would the point be of paying him money for it!

Glen, Yvette and Fred are in a room together, Glen points out the handcuffs on the wall, then says he is hoping to hear some moaning and groaning, and all said with a glint in his eye while staring straight into Yvettes soul. Nice to see Yvette with some pink lipstick on too. Luckily Glen is dressed all in black.


Yvette has left Glen and Fred alone to put off any suspicions, although as you can see in this photo above, Karl had been lurking about in disguise all along. Also Glen has been told to stop his flirting, so has his finger on his lips, much like we used to at school. And in other news, "teacher student fantasy" is one of the most googled topics on Glen's internet search history.

Yvette is begging the spirits to talk to her, just one person talk to her. It's just like high school all over again for her.

Worth noting that Glen gets referred to as the Resident Skeptic by Yvette, despite the fact he produced a video declaring footage they found as "the best evidence ever" even though it was really a video overlay digital effect.

Fred has thrown something off camera and Glen is looking for it now. Funny how Fred always has his hands in his large pockets, how about someone film inside his pockets.

15 Minutes in and nothing has really happened. 


Karl and Stuart are now together in a corridor. Mooching about. Guessing they are planning something soon.

We hear what Stuart describes as a bicycle bell in the background. Guessing that is a gimmick they will play up to later on.

Karl sits in a room alone, and asks the spirits to touch him. He just wants to be touched people, it's been 4 years since he had anyone touch him intimately, poor guy.


We hear Stuart shouting in the background, we cut to him thanking the ghosties, he has found a bicycle (surprise surprise) and yes it has a bell on it! What an amazing coincidence.

He then talks about an incident that has just happened, yet bizarrely we are not shown that footage.


He claims he heard a key put in a door, we get this exciting close up of an empty key hole.

"Clitoris is derived from the Greek word for clitoris, kleitoris, which in turn comes from kleio (to close, as with a door or latch), perhaps in reference to those portions of the labia minora that enclose the clitoris, or to the clitoris as a metaphorical gateway to the vagina."


Back to Karl and he is sat alone, realising that he has wasted most of his adult life with very little to show for it. He slowly reaches for a shotgun, his finger trembles on the trigger......

Suddenly there is a noise, the door has moved slightly (off camera), Karl puts the shotgun down, and goes to investigate. Wow that was a close one. First ever death on a spoof paranormal investigation show nearly happened then.

Please check out National Suicide Prevention Lifeline if you are ever having any such thoughts, there is always people out there to help you. They are sick of hearing from me though, I usually ring them after I have finished writing each review of Most Haunted.

25 minutes in and still nothing of interest has happened, other than a few creaking doors, and a bicycle bell ringing OFF CAMERA!

Karl starts talking about the energy there, how it is freezing cold and electric.


Notice Karl's eyes, if it was really dark wouldn't his pupils be massive? Instead they are perfectly normal. It is almost as if they are faking night vision with some kind of filter. Of course that is nonsense though, as we all know Karl's white hair would appear dark in night vision wouldn't it........

Wow this episode is boring. They better be building to a big finale, or else I have just wasted a few hours of my life.

Stuart is coming up the stairs to rejoin Karl, he tells of all these amazing things that have happened, yet we have not been shown any of them, his camera is definitely working as we are seeing a duel screen shot.


Also notice the big light on Karl's camera.


Still think they are being honest with you?

We hear another loud noise as Stuart is off camera. 
Stuart is still going on about this bell. Endless replays.

Imagine if you wanted to fake the bell noise, all you would need to do is record it on your smartphone, then press play while it is in your pocket out of sight.


Everyone has decided to regroup for the big finale, well it is in the script you know.

Glen is keeping his distance from Yvette here since everyone else is present.

31 Minutes gone, and still nothing has really happened.


Karl positions himself between Glen and Yvette in an act of control, his hands cupping his blue balls.

At least 7 of them in this small room now, Yvette claims to hear noises. Could be any of them. Laptop battery power is going down. (Faulty battery)

Even Yvette is now begging the ghosts to do something. Stuart claims to hear steps in the corridor. Nothing is picked up on the microphones.


They all go back in the room, Stuart leaves his camera filming in the corridor. I hope we get another overlay edit, that would be cool, but would they dare do that twice after getting caught out the first time?

Fred is now talking to the prince of darkness, but I doubt Ozzy Osbourne will be paying much attention.

We hear the bell again, but everyone is in the room! It must be the ghosts. There can be no other possible explanation.

Some footsteps are heard. Yvette hears a growling sound. (Glen's stomach again perhaps?) Because all of the batteries etc keep going low, Stuart has been sent to get more, but we are told this in a voice over edit. Hang on a second this sounds well fishy.

Now we cut to the outside the room footage, and as Stuart is walking past he falls over right in front of the camera. Aaaahhhh now I understand why they had to edit in the voice over, as up until that point we were being lead to believe that Stuart was in the room with them.

Stuart claims he was pushed (by a ghost) despite the fact the floor is uneven, and he clearly just tripped. Now on the replay his fall matches perfectly with Fred asking the spirits to push one of them. Stuart starts his fall just off camera, so we don't see his feet. I wonder if they edited together the footage of Stuart falling to match what Fred said.


I reckon Stuart fell for real, but they decided to use it, so edited things together to make it all connect.
Endless replays etc.
I do think that should have been the final scene, the big finale, but alas they have 5 minutes to burn, so the teams have split up again, so perhaps they have something else set up?

Worth noting they have not had any tappings this episode, but then again it looks like they have concrete/stone flooring, so the tapping wouldn't carry as well as on wooden flooring.

Karl is talking to the camera, and they do this ridiculous effect to make it seem like the camera has cut out. If the battery had gone dead, it would just stop recording! It would not show white noise, you imbeciles!

We then get an EVP played back through the laptop, and there is no clear words, but Fred tells us it says "Not Guilty", personally I couldn't hear that, but as with all EVP's it is evidentially worthless anyway, so ignore it.

And that's it, the episode ends. Another truly awful episode, nothing really happened.

0/10 again. I really should give it a minus score because of the lack of Watson and GORT, the two most charismatic members of the team.

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By Jon Donnis

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