♪♫♬How many kinds of sweet bulldogs grow♪♫♬
♪♫♬In a Most Haunted Investigation?♪♫♬
♪♫♬I'll tell you now of something I know♪♫♬
♪♫♬Watson got more popular, so now he is almost gone♪♫♬
♪♫♬Facebook and Twitter love♪♫♬
♪♫♬Instagram and Snapchat fun♪♫♬
♪♫♬Sniffing, Wagging and lots farting♪♫♬
♪♫♬No not Watson, that vile woman Yvette♪♫♬
♪♫♬In a Most Haunted Investigation?♪♫♬
"To be sang in the style of English Country Garden"
So I kind of messed up a little bit earlier, if you have been following me on Twitter I accidentally said that Mel Crump was returning to Most Haunted on this episode. Unfortunately despite my best efforts this is not true, and she will never return. In the words of Yvette (Allegedly) "That woman will never work in TV again, what with her perfect hair, beautiful blemish free tanned skin, pert round bum, she will never be welcome on Most Haunted again"
Anyway on to this weeks "Entertainment Purposes Only" episode of Most Haunted and here is your filthy, dirty, stained blurb.
"More creepy capers with Yvette and the fearless Most Haunted team. The team find they are not alone when they go into the cellar of Todmoreden Church in West Yorkshire."
"We now get introduced to who will undoubtably become the most popular member of the team, shortly before being brutally fired because Yvette is jealous of them (see Jason Karl, Phil Whyman, Matthew Smith, and so on)...."
People said I was lying, people said this would never happen.
"He is just a dog, Yvette would never get rid of Watson because he was more popular than her, don't be silly"
I am sure Watson wasn't just a PR stunt used to get some media "inches" before the series aired, because otherwise no one was interested in promoting a new series of Most Haunted, that was exactly the same as every previous series.
Well lets get on with Episode 4, and in one of the opening shots the legendary Watson makes an appearance!
Most Haunted these days seems more like a parody of itself than any actual show, the dodgy production shots, awful camera work etc, its like some of those Most Haunted clones on Youtube.
We start off an Yvette is walking in a "Haunted Gothic Church", and surprise surprise the church is now owned by a tourist company. I can imagine the Unitarian Church wont be too happy that one of their former churches is being used for such purposes.
I wonder how long it will take for Watson to be "Put to bed" so he doesn't get in the way? I bet he doesn't even make the proper investigation at all!
After looking quite busty last week, I have to say that this week Yvette is looking quite curvy around the hips. Oh no, here they come again. I am getting feelings!! This is so wrong. Must be cause I mentioned the Crumpster earlier, its got my hormones raging.
Glen makes some good comments here about a church being the last place that is likely to be haunted, and that the acoustics in a place like a Church would really carry noises, so normal events could be amplified and carried about. Yvette quickly dismisses this and moves on.
Cut to Watson who already cant be arsed.
Strangely not much messing about today, straight into the investigation and we are less than 10 minutes into the episode.
Yvette is calling out to the spirits, and even asks them to affect Watson.
I am sure that Watson is wondering why he is being brought into it, he is just happy sitting on his bet and enjoying the peace and quiet of a totally NOT haunted location.
Yvette asks the spirits to make a noise with their voice. Again the stupidest thing you can ever say.
Karl and Fred are in the graveyard, again another place where no dead person is ever gonna hang about as a ghost.
Yvette tries to do some "twerking" to impress the boys, but they just think she looks silly, so they pretend to hear a noise, which then gets Yvette to concentrate on making a TV show.
Karl and Fred mention the disgusting smell outside in the graveyard. Although Karl really should be used to disgusting smells living with Yvette all these years, the smell of a decaying corpse has nothing on Yvette's bottom burps, or so Derek Acorah once told me anyway.
Fred is convinced he has seen something in the trees.
Yvette has now seen a small shadow move across the church in the distance, a small almost bulldog sized shadow! What could it possibly be?
They hear a noise coming from one of the floor grates. The cameraman is standing between two of them, so obviously it couldn't possibly be him. He then states "It could be a chink". Which I thought was incredibly racist, but that's none of my business.
They play a replay of the noise, which matches perfectly with Stuart moving, so that's solved then.
Karl is still moaning about the smell. And pulling faces. Of course it couldn't possibly be dog poo could it? No of course not, what kind of crazy dog would do a poo outside on some grass.
I hope Karl checks his shoes before he goes back inside.
Just as Karl has cleaned the dog shit off his shoes, he comes in and catches Glen and Yvette in an awkward position, they are holding hands, Yvette quickly pulls away. Not sure if Karl saw everything in the dark.
We get a cut in the feed, and suddenly Glen has been moved and replaced by Fred. I wonder why!
Yvette has asked the spirits to copy her whistling. Just think if there is a homeless person outside, he might hear that whistling and whistle back. I know I would do that if I heard whistling.
The team splits up, and Fred is encouraged to do one of his "evil chants". He starts it and then this comes up on screen which really made me laugh.
Yes they don't want the people at home to hear the full incantation because???? Evil spirits are gonna come through their TV sets?
Remember this show is a spoof, for entertainment purposes only, it is not real! I am guessing OFCOM didn't force them to put that on the screen, and instead it is a stunt to impress the idiots watching at home.
Karl and Stuart are outside, Stuart has heard a noise, and he is trying to describe what it sounds like, and no joke, he is saying it sounds like a female orgasm!
Again this is not a bit by me, he is literally saying that. Now how he would know what the female orgasm would sound like i have no idea.
Karl has no idea what Stuart is talking about, mainly because he also has never made a woman orgasm. That's why Yvette always looks so miserable.
(Advice for the ladies out there "Once you go Greek you hit your peak")
Fred is still doing his nonsense incantations. I am sure he is making it up as he goes along. Bizarrely they have hooked up a noose, for the following shot.
Back to Stuart and Karl and Stuart is insisting he heard what he heard, and now Karl is agreeing they have heard a woman. I wonder if "Real Punting" is filming nearby?
Question: Which current or former crew member on Most Haunted once appeared in an episode of Real Punting?
Answer: You will have to go subscribe to find out!
Stuart is finally getting to Karl with all his ghost orgasm sex talk. Again this is not a joke by me, this is actually happening.
We are now past the half way point of the episode, and nothing of actual interest has happened. Watson as I predicted has disappeared, and is not being used in the investigation at all, making his entire inclusion in the show completely pointless.
Stuart and Karl are still talking about the orgasmic sex ghost. (hooker in the car park) Stuart and Karl hear another noise, the fact they are outside and near a road is not really mentioned.
Glen is keeping his hands to himself after getting told off earlier, he aint gonna risk it again, not while the cameras are running.
Yvette hears a noise again, Glen insists it was Greg, Yvette insists it is not.
Basically they are all hearing each other breath through their noses, and they are reporting this as ghostly activity.
Yvette whistles and someone whistles back. Yvette shouts to Fred, who pretends he cant hear her, then shouts back it wasn't him. Glen quickly goes to the laptop to get a playback of the ghost whistle. And yes there is a whistle, but there is no way at all to prove it wasn't one of the many other cast members.
I am not sure how whistling in the dark, in the cellar of the Church, when there is at least 6 other people in the location, constitutes as investigating the paranormal.
You might as well fart and listen out for someone else farting and then when everyone denies it is them, then claim it is a ghost fart.
Karl is now in the cellar and Yvette and the rest of them are in the graveyard.
Straight away Yvette hears a noise, I wonder if that ghost woman is getting sloppy seconds? ("Sloppy Seconds" was allegedly Yvette's nickname in high school)
10 minutes left and not a lot has happened, surely Stuart or Karl have to throw something soon. Noises from a sex ghost, and a whistle is not at all interesting to me.
Strangely Glen starts to make some very good observations while outside, and how the torch light creating shadows from one tombstone onto another creates the illusion of a moving shadow. Well done Glen. I know you get told what to say and do a lot, and have been involved in some fakery, but it is also good when you get to pre-empt some of the other nonsense you know will come out.
Karl is starting to hear things, and his imagination is playing games with him.
Notice the light on the wall behind Karl here, and also his eyes! This is NOT night vision, this is a camera filter to fake night vision. This is not at all dark.
Now there is a very slight groan noise here that is not Karl, it almost sounds slightly like a post production sound effect. But I am sure it is most likely just an echo.
Karl leaves the cellar.
No big stunt to end the show. No items thrown.
A few easily explainable noises and that's it.
No Watson for most of the show.
A complete waste of an episode.
Not even history buffs will enjoy this as there is no real history given of the location.
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By Jon Donnis