21 March 2017

Review: Most Haunted Series 5 (or 19) Episode 1 (Abbey House Museum) - REALLY to air Friday 14th April, 10pm

Warning, this article contains major spoilers! Do not read on, although lets be honest, you can kinda guess what happens. Yvette screams, Karl and Stuart throw some things, and there are some noises.

Yes it is back! Most Haunted makes it's unwelcome return to UKTV channel REALLY! And guess who has just received a promo DVD of the first episode from the legendary and secretive Most Haunted Mole! (It is definitely 100% not Stuart Torevell)

So pop the DVD in the DVD player and lets get started!
Ok first off the blurb, no that is not the name Karl Beattie calls his own ejaculate, but an industry term used by PR companies to describe the content of an episode of a TV show.

Friday 14th April, 10pm
Abbey House Museum

Yvette Fielding and her dedicated team of hair dressers, mates from the pub and other random relatives return for an all-new and exclusive 5th series, or 19th series depending on if you count the vastly superior Living TV series, of the country's most popular, after (Ghost Adventures) ghost hunting and fannying about show.

This time around Yvette, Karl and Scooby Gang welcome Watson, a new four-legged member to the team, "We decided to allow this man born with extra limbs onto the show as we wanted to show the world we do not discriminate against the disabled, and the "incident" in the gym was a one off, whereby we abused and humiliated a young man, just kidding, it's a dog! Watson is a dog! We would NEVER allow one of those 'cripples' on the show..." and once again they take to the highways and byways of Britain going on another quest to visit and investigate the country's most haunted locations, and by haunted we mean tourist attractions whereby the owners are desperate for publicity so allow us to trample all around old buildings in the hope that gullible idiots will book their own ghost hunts here and give us their money, and record and analyse any paranormal activity they find.

With a long and celebrated history of providing shocks and shivers, series five or series 19 of Most Haunted could be the most dramatic yet, and by dramatic I mean that Stuart has been practising his fainting!

In the first episode, Yvette introduces a brand new Most Haunted team member, bulldog Watson, a dog with more intelligence than the rest of the team put together. This location starts to give up its mysteries as soon as the team arrives and it has to film differently to accommodate a particularly aggressive poltergeist, who I swear is not Karl or Stuart throwing stuff!

So there is the official blurb, onto the show.

How old is this theme tune? it really is awful, can someone just knock up a new version for them? We start off the show with Yvette talking about the Abbey House Museum in Leeds. I am guessing she hasn't found a new hairdresser yet as she has the same god awful hair cut.

To be fair the Abbey House looks pretty cool, and as a museum really does not need any of the ghost nonsense to sell it.

Yvette tells us that there has been many reports of ghostly hair pulling, so guessing it wont be Stuart who gets his hair pulled!

We now get introduced to who will undoubtably become the most popular member of the team, shortly before being brutally fired because Yvette is jealous of them (see Jason Karl, Phil Whyman, Matthew Smith, and so on). Yes it is Watson!

I am guessing we will get a lot of Yvette talking like a baby any time she talks to the dog. Lets hope the dog doesn't take any of her shit!

Next up we hear from this guy.

A surprisingly like-able man, doing his job as Event Coordinator.
Tells a few unlikely stories and he is then forgotten.

Great to see the so called Skeptic back, Glen, and yes he still has his hands in his pocket and he is still smirking. Did you know he and Yvette do a podcast together! I tried to listen to an episode once, but I suddenly found that I had become possessed by a suicidal 13th century Monk, so I quickly turned it off, and all was well again.

We get to see a hilarious clip of Yvette that was "recorded earlier" in it she is doing a piece to camera, suddenly there is a noise, and as the camera pans around Karl and Fred are there looking suspicious, and they go to investigate, the dog then decides to piss off as he is getting bored. Hilarious that the dog didn't bark or get spooked at all, he just smelling around like dogs do. Yvette tried to claim that Watson was scared and ran away!

I had hoped that sense had prevailed and that Melanie Crump would return, but remember what I said earlier about anyone who ends up more popular than Yvette, they get fired! I do miss Melanie Crump, literally the only interesting and attractive person to appear on the show in its history.

Yvette is jumping and screaming at every noise, despite the fact that Karl and Fred are always off camera!

Yvette tells us that they have to cut the usual walk around footage as there is so much activity that they need to show it.

For some reason the ghosts are throwing around little kids toys, and as usual it is always Karl or Stuart who are right near where the items are thrown, and neither are in the camera view! I'd love to get my hands on the unedited individual camera footage, now if only the Most Haunted Mole could get me that!

The team splits up, they put the fake night vision on, and now I assume we will get 25 minutes of fannying about! No sign of Watson, I am guessing he is having a snooze somewhere.

Fred & Karl looking for Yvette's career

I wonder why we are not given access to the locations security cameras? Surely they would show more since the MH team refuse to have any static cameras!

If you ever play "Most Haunted Bingo" make sure one of the options is "Did you hear that?", one of the truely most annoying parts of this show.

Strangely Karl is acting like a scared child, and getting Fred to chase after shadows.

On Glen's team they are fascinated by a lift button that keeps getting pushed while Stuart is stood next to it! The ghosties really like to wind Stuart up don't they!

More little figures are being thrown about. Never on camera, always near Karl. If these are museum pieces, I wonder if the owners could claim from the insurance against Most Haunted if any damage is caused!

Hands on hips, Career in the shits

We are 25 minutes in, and the dog is nowhere to be seen. We got this huge intro to Watson, and he has buggered off. I hear from my source that when Karl was throwing the little wooden figures, that Watson kept chasing after them, picking them up and taking them back to Karl, which in turn gave the game away!

Fred pulls off a bizarre move and then claims he was kicked in the leg. Either he faked it, or he simply got cramp, which can happen when you are stood about for periods of time doing nothing! But of course they don't have a real skeptic on set to give rational explanations.

Yvette actually at one point states that Watson is too small to reach the lift call button! As if us skeptics are gonna blame the dog, who has pretty much done sod all, and not reacted to anything so far! He is the only honest member of the team.

Watson is back now and they are outside, I wonder if he dropped a big turd inside, so they got told to take him outside.

Karl claims to hear a can move in a shop, Watson couldn't give a crap. He really is not at all fussed. Yvette and Karl are desperate for Watson to do something interesting, but he is just acting like how a dog acts, walking about, sniffing stuff, looking for tail.
Watson contemplating what he did to deserve
to be left with these idiots.

You can hear poor Watson breathing hard, a bi-product of generations of inbreeding which has caused a short face which in turn causes brachycephalic syndrome, if you are considering buying a dog, avoid breeds, they are unhealthy. Go to your local shelter home and rescue a dog that needs it, dont give money to breeders who are creating these poor creatures who live a life of pain just so rich idiots like Yvette and Karl can have a cute looking dog!

Back to the Scooby gang, and I wonder if Glen was only every brought onto the team due to his radio experience, and so he could help create the podcast "vehicle" for Yvette? I wonder how many people listen to her show? It doesn't make any top tens as far as I can see?

Everyone is getting a bit bored now, as nothing is happening, mainly due to Karl and Stuart having been told by the Event Coordinator Mark to stop throwing around valuable museum pieces.

Karl starts begging the ghosties to do something, feels like they are starting the build up to the grand finale already, which makes sense as we are in the last 8 minutes of the show.
Karl is now apparently walking around on his own and getting freaked out. A door in the distance seemingly closes on it's own. Almost as if on cue, like it was planned. We get about 20 replays of the door, and Karl saying "shut that door" in his camp voice.

Guessing no one under 40 will get that reference.

A piano makes a noise, Karl gets a bit more scared, starts pressing some piano keys himself. And that's the end! The big finale was a door shutting slowly on it's own, a piano makes a slight noise, and that's it.

Watson being added to the team did absolutely nothing, he never reacted to anything, never barked, and generally didn't give a toss about anyone or anything that was going on. And for that he was the star of the show.

9/10 for Watson.
2/10 for Most Haunted.

That's all folks. If I get any kind of interest in my review I might do more, if no one cares then this will be a one and done.

Please leave your comments below.
Tweet me on @JonDonnis and send your abuse to @TheBadPsych
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We are also on Facebook, just search BadPsychics and you will find us.

And whatever you do, don't let the bed bugs bite. Because if you do they can transmit Trypanosoma cruzi, the parasite that causes Chagas disease, one of the most prevalent and deadly diseases around.

By Jon Donnis


Unknown said...

love it, hooked now, you have to do more.

Unknown said...

Always an enjoyable read. I may watch it now just to see little Watson doing nothing. Please carry on your reviews

Unknown said...

Excellent....made me laugh. Do some more.

JD said...

Glad you enjoyed it!

JD said...

Yes, his attitude to the whole thing really is the best.

Unknown said...

Brilliant! This made me chuckle like a drain (if drains do indeed chuckle). You have to keep on with these now because we have to keep abreast of The Further Paranormal Adventures of Watson And Why He Has No Pal Called Sherlock! :D

JD said...

I expect Watson will be fired by the end of the season

JD said...

Just for you I will try

bijoux said...

More, please!

JD said...

Ok go on then

Unknown said...

top class as always sir

JD said...


bijoux said...

:D awesome

Adrian Heath said...

Watson is awesome although I am surprised Yvette allows him on the show on account of him being so much better looking than her.

SarWah Joi said...

Really enjoying all your stuff so far.. I have only just discovered this page via a tweet reacting to #frightday (was the seemingly more appropriate #frightnight already taken?!).
You said that MH uses fake night vision. Is this true? How do you tell the difference?

JD said...

Glad you are enjoying my site.

As for the night vision, yes it is true, and I can prove it.

Here is the faked night vision as used on a classic episode of Most Haunted Live

And here is the original footage in full colour

Basically they filmed a large chunk of the show during the day so it could be edited etc, then they played it later in the evening as if it was live.

I exposed this.

To be fair they probably are using the night vision function on their cameras most of the time, but it is never as dark as they make out. That is a blatant lie. Health and Safety wouldnt allow them to work in the pitch black.

SarWah Joi said...

Thanks, I see what you mean now. I often watch MH and Ghost Adventures distracted as I'm trying to work out if the lighting is real night vision, helped along a little or just faked.

JD said...

Basically everything on these types of shows are faked.
You should never take a word they say seriously.

Angellily1 said...

Love Watson, the others can sod off.

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